Comments on: Disclosure

By: GentlePath

GentlePath — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 17:54:37 +0000

The HIV test results are good news! It sounds strange to say that I hope things go well with your disclosure – but I’m sure you get the idea – I wish you and your partner well. I know exactly what you mean about 20 more hurdles to go. But it does get better. I usually sleep okay and I rarely have nightmares anymore.

Just fyi – my husband had to drive back to the hotel after our disclosure session and he says now that was a huge mistake. He was in absolutely no condition to drive.

By: Shannon

Shannon — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 17:06:38 +0000

Thank you for this timely post…I am in the middle of writing my disclosure letter. That act in itself has been painful. I’ve had loss of sleep and nightmares. My therapist and I are creating a disclosure plan:

He will talk to her and send her literature on Sex Addiction
We will schedule an appointment all together
I will disclose

Recovery feels like I am running the 300 meter hurdle race in the olympics…when I clear one I have 20 more to go.

I took a HIV test last week. It was negative. That hurdle was cleard succesffuly. 19 more to go.

By: Rae

Rae — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 22:44:21 +0000

Thanks again for the insight. I think neither of us are ready — certainly I’ve been in therapy for five years and am not ready, and he’s been doing his best to deny everything for longer than that, so he’s not ready.

I have definitely given thought to the idea that he has the right to make decisions about his life based on honest fact. On the other hand, he has the right to not have his life turned upside down on my terms as well. So, I’ll continue to pray, talk with recovery people, seek the guidance of my Higher Power, and as I said, keep my mind open. I do so appreciate your experience, strength and hope on this though.

By: GentlePath

GentlePath — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 11:52:28 +0000

What I didn’t write about is that I flat out refused to participate in disclosure when I first got to treatment. In fact, the staff moved my family week back to give me more time. I thought they were so full of shit – how was hurting someone this way going to have any positive outcome? It seemed cruel to be so hurtful just to ensure my own continued recovery. It was the ultimate in selfishness and I didn’t want any parts of it.

The thing that convinced me was that he has the right to make decisions about his life based on truthful information. If I love him, I owe him that.

I hope it goes well for you too. Looking back, it was definitely the right thing for us but my husband could have used more support. Having a therapist before that day would have been good. Having one after was absolutely necessary.

By: Rae

Rae — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 03:20:26 +0000

Thanks for posting on this topic. It’s always one of controversy in the SLAA rooms and it has been one that I have had to deal with in my own recovery. I am now seeing a new therapist — a Carnes’ disciple — and she’s going to be pretty adamant about me disclosing more than I currently feel comfortable with … so I’m glad to read what you wrote today.

By: GentlePath

GentlePath — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 11:41:03 +0000

Thanks! It’s good to know that you CAN heal from such an enormous hurt.

By: Mary (MPJ)

Mary (MPJ) — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 05:32:48 +0000

Yeah. I went through it without novacaine. In fact, I insisted on ripping my teeth out before I could get an appointment with a dentist. Not a good idea, but I did heal!

I sympathize so much with your husband. The days and weeks following disclosure were a blur to me too. I’ve never in my life experienced anything like that kind of pain.

Hugs to both of you. It sounds like you have an amazing relationship — I know you have to to keep working.