I Had Sex with My Therapist

edit

If you are a therapist reading this, please don’t be sexual with your client. It doesn’t matter what the situation is, being sexual with a client is harmful to that client. It’s not good for you either. You’re going to lose your job and your license. You’re also going to lose your self identity as a person who helps others. There are programs that are specifically tailored to helping professionals who are struggling with acting on sexual feelings.

If you are a patient, please tell someone that you are being sexual with your therapist. I was in treatment with someone who was sexual with clients, and he was not a bad person. He was grateful when he finally got caught because that was what forced him to seek treatment.
/edit

editJust to be clear, sex includes sexual touching or fondling, sharing of the therapist’s sexual fantasies or fetishes, and mutual masturbation (this list is not exhaustive – humans have LOTS of ways to be sexual with each other). It doesn’t matter if the sexual connection is skin to skin, over the phone, email, chat, on in sessions. It doesn’t matter if there is no orgasm. If you are telling yourself, “yeah, but we didn’t _________; then you’re probably rationalizing.
/edit 11-24-2013
 

I had sex with my therapist (phone sex) and it was one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. Being molested by my grandfather did not do as much damage as being “molested” by my therapist did.

Blogging here on wordpress, I get to see the search terms people use to find my blog. I don’t often look at the stats, but sometimes I do. It makes me feel good to know that I might be helping someone who is in pain.

Yesterday it happened again that someone found me by googling “slept with my therapist.”

When I was in the midst of losing my mind in therapy, I’d come home from those long, eroticized sessions and hit the Internet. Google has always been my friend, but despite spending literally hours in front of the computer I couldn’t find the site that told me it was going to be a good thing to be sexual with my therapist.

I found a bunch of stuff about transference. I learned about boundary violations. And I found a lot of women who’d been abused by their therapists. Of course, I didn’t think any of that applied to me. Well, the transference did, but that was all.

What I was looking for was permission to have sex with my therapist. I was looking for someone to tell me that this was the right thing to do, that it could be therapeutic. I hope that the people googling about sex and therapists are in therapy with good therapists and they’re just freaking out about sexual feelings they’re having for their therapist (indicating transference).

But just in case anyone is looking for assurance that it’s okay to flirt, fantasize, pet, or have any kind of sexual contact let me assure you that it will be a disaster. If you’re the patient, you will end up getting hurt. If you are the therapist you are harming your client.

It’s not as obvious as going to a doctor and being given poison instead of medicine but in the end it’s the same thing. You’ll get a lot sicker [than you already are] and you might die [from suicide].

Links

http://askdrrobert.dr-robert.com/failedtherapy.html

http://homepage.mac.com/tgrugle/cyber/library/rati.tag.html

http://expertpages.com/news/williams.htm

http://therapyabuse.org/papersColumbiaJan.htm “Sexual exploitation by a trusted therapist is a life-changing experience. Like rape and incest, it does not go away. It forms who we are.”

And that’s true. It doesn’t go away. It hasn’t gone away for me. But like incest, it didn’t kill me. I’m stronger and wiser today than I was before. But there are many, many paths to strength and wisdom and if I had it to do over again, I’d have avoided this therapist like the plague.

There are good therapists out there. One of them helped me put my life back together after I got out of treatment. Another seems to be Willard Gaylin, who wrote What Psychotherapy is Really About. [Yet another is helping me in 2013].

And of all the good therapists out there, very few of them are members of the clergy.

Tagged with: , , ,
Posted in i had sex with my therapist, rants
35 comments on “I Had Sex with My Therapist
  1. karin says:

    I am a student and am trying to write an essay on boundary crossing vs boundary violations. I have been looking for 3 days for anything on possible benefits of sexual relations with your therapist but have nothing!! just overwhelming evidence saying no, but on reading this i think i’ll just give up, clearly the negatives outweigh any positives

    • m says:

      hello karin,

      I had sex with my therapist and to tell you the truth it was a good experience for me. i had been married for 19 years to my high school sweetheart and it help me to realize how bad and how unhappy i felt in my marriage. i never thought i could have sexual feelings for anybody else and this helped me to realize i could have a relationship with someone else.
      i’m making the story short, its not like we just had sex one day and thats it, i had a revelation, there’s more to it. thought you might be interested.

      m

  2. Mina says:

    Why should YOU do that? It is interesting in this country girls sleep with someone because they want to do it at that moment without any force, when it is don they start to think about it that may be they shouldn’t do that and feel they are raped or abused to justify themselves. Your therapist did a wrong thing 100% but how about you? You are an adult and I think you should take the responsibility of what you have done.

    • freud-me-not says:

      You ignorant moron. People don’t go in thinking oh, wow, I hope I get laid. The sex doesn’t happen the way it does in other situations. When sex occurs in therapy it happens as a breach of trust. The therapist has taken time to build that trust and the patient has let their guard down. The “transference” she talks about is a massively powerful psychological force that actually has little to do with the therapist or real sex but to the patient it feels that way. So the patient actually believes the sexual feelings are real and genuine, but the therapist knows 100% different. To act on those is a total abuse of their training and power in the situation. This woman may have even believed she “wanted” it at the time… but it isn’t as though she did it and then changed her mind. Once it occurs the trust is broken and the damage starts like dominos. I so badly want to slap your stupid brain back into your empty head. In the therapist-client relationship the client has NO responsibility for a sexual incident. None. Zero. Zilch. Why? Because they have no understanding of what transference is all about and the therapist does. You can’t completely understand it from a few online articles. Therapists do supervised practicuums and years of training. They know full well. Transference opens up doors to the most vulnerable aspects of our psyche.

  3. hmmm says:

    i had sex with my rehab counselor. im a male though, needless to say when that relationship got rocky i relapsed like a bat out of hell for a few weeks. it was a mistake on both parts. she could easily loose her job and credentials over it. especially for how i was treated after the fact. but i just keep my mouth shut, plus she was a very good looking gal. lol

  4. maybe says:

    Well , I must say I had diff . experience!
    If you are in transference, then you shouldn’t of let yourself engaged such actions in first place . You should of been able to understand yourself and your emotions. NOT TO MENTION using and abusing that your therapist did … that s just unforgivable !!!
    I had wonderful therapist , and he helped me a lot , but when we reached the point of realization that we are mutually attracted to each other, we spend 3 sessions talking about it , and we came to conclusion , that we are crossing the lines …so decision must be made … So we did .Loud and clear- we admitted to each other how we feel … we didn’t rush into anything …
    So therapy is over! Something else maybe beginning …but that’s whole diff. story !!!I wasn’t in transference with him. i knew from day 1 , from first time we sow each other that i m so into him …It was the same with him …. We had to put a side , passion in order to finish therapy …
    I ve never ever felt used by him . I always felt deeply connected , understood , protected by him …
    As Freud says “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar ” ;)

  5. GentlePath says:

    Funny how therapists get a free pass. Imagine if a doctor did this. I think there’s a double standard for the clergy. I also think we romanticize shit like this. I’m lucky I lived – if I’d been successful in my suicide attempt, this priest would still be seeing patients! Nobody would have ever known!

    You go to treatment because you need help and you’re stuck. If you don’t do what the therapist suggests, you’re resistant. And often, this is true. But guess what? Having sex with your therapist is ALWAYS harmful.

    Let me repeat that. Having sex with your therapist is ALWAYS harmful.

    If you honestly believe that it can be good for a therapist to be sexual with a patient then you have an excellent understanding of nambla’s rationale for fucking children.

    And for the record, it’s NEVER good for children to have sex. Never, never, ever.

    • maybe says:

      I m still in relation with my therapist ..lol
      i don t see myself as victim , i m sorry i just don t ..
      and we had our first sex 8 months after we finished therapy so it can be all by standards ..CUZ OF THAT I THOUGHT I LL GO CRAZY …
      BUT BUT BUT i been thinking lately , how that man ctrl my life , i m like open book to him , like i ve no ctrl , like he is in charged …
      strange but as much as i wanted him and fell in love
      i m starting to wonder DID I REALLY OR JE JUST TRICKED MO SO MASTRAL …HE KNEW ALL ABOUT ME , WHAT I WANT WHERE I WAS WEEK WHAT SET S ME ON AND OFF ..HMM

      the trhing he said to me “you know since third time with you i knew this is not a theraoy ” AND I WASN T PAYING
      SO THAT MEANS WHAT I WAS THINKING I AM AT THERAPY WHILE HE WAS SEDUCING ME.
      WANTED TO JUST CUT THE WHOLE THING OFF , BUT HE IGNORES MY ATTEMPTS … TOLD HIM WHY DON T YOU JUST LET ME GO TELL ME FUCK OFF OR WHAT EVER
      HE RE:” WHY WOULD I DO THAT ”

      I M REQUISITIONING AS PERSON ABOVE SAID
      Having sex with your therapist is ALWAYS harmful.

      Let me repeat that. Having sex with your therapist is ALWAYS harmful

  6. micheal says:

    I read every ones comments. I thought i would add my own. back when i was 21. I was seeing a female Therapist. She always was asking me about my sex life. I felt like she was getting turned on when i would tslk about it. She asked me if i masturbate. I said yes. then she asked me what i think about when i masturbate. so i told her different woman. then she asked me if i ever think about her? I was imbarest to tell her yes. but she kept asking so i said yes. she said its normal to make a long story short she asked me to masturbate in front of her. I thought it was ok cause she asked. she talked to while i did it. loking back it wasent right

    • GentlePath says:

      I’m so sorry you were abused in this way. I hope you’ll consider contacting the authorities in your state and reporting this therapist, because it’s a certainty that she’s abusing others.

  7. Marina says:

    I agree with the author of this blog that a deep personal involvement (not only sexual) with one’s therapist eventually becomes damaging for the patient. I know that from experience. I did not have sex with my therapist but he crossed professional boundaries with me in many other ways. It feels great in the beginning because it makes you feel special and “chosen”, but eventually you will end up having a painful realization that you were being used, not loved. I actually want to write a book about it and if anyone wants to know more about my story or to tell me theirs, feel free to contact me at moimir@gmail.com

  8. Marina says:

    I have been contacted by a few people through this blog in regards to their questionable relationships with their therapists, both sexual and non-sexual, and how they were harmed in those relationships. I would like to clarify that I can provide people with information about how boundary violations in therapy could be harmful, and I will support them, if they want to get out of destructive relationships with their therapists. If they intend to stay where they are, I could still give them information, if they have specific questions, but I will not support their position. I also would like to note that giving online support and information on this subject for me does not equate becoming friends. I just don’t want anyone to have unrealistic expectations of me. That being said, anyone, who is interested in this subject is welcome to join my yahoo group on boundary violation in therapy. Here is the link http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/boundary_violations_in_psychotherapy/members

    I also started building a website called TherapyConsumerGuide
    http://www.therapyconsumerguide.com

    I just uploaded my first post there. The website will be developing and changing all the time and everyone is welcome to send their comments to my email: moimir@gmail.com . You can also post comments on the website, but they have to be strictly on topic that is posted. All comments are moderated.

  9. Marina says:

    I tried to post earlier today but it wasn’t published for some reason. I have posted here before and let people know that they could contact me if they were violated by their therapists. I have received quite a few emails and now I would like to clarify what kind of help I can offer so I wouldn’t be contacted for the wrong reasons.

    I can help only those who have realized that their therapists’ actions were harmful and want to end their relationships with those people and also want to take actions to prevent the abuse from spreading. If you are at that point, feel free to email me at moimir@gmail.com or go to my website http://www.therapyconsumerguide.com. If you are still unclear as to what you want to do, you can discuss it on psychforums or go to “A most heartbreaking love” yahoo group. Thank you.

  10. Nope says:

    I slept with my therapist last wednesday and i dont think there was anything wrong with it. im fine. she’s fine.

    it went like this. i was seeking someone to talk to after a bad break up. i saw her for about a month when, in the middle of my session, she stopped me and said “I dont think I can help you. i just dumped my bf and im as fucked up and broken as you in the exact same way. i cant help you.”

    she usually counsels combat vets suffering from ptsd. never really had a vet come in and want to talk about relationships. so I said “how about a drink?”

    turns out we already knew the same people and hang out at the same place. just always missed each other.

    such is life. im talking to someone else now who she recommended but, basically, it was something we both needed. you can argue with me that it was a bad thing all you want and im sure that in 90% of cases such as this it is a bad thing. but, not so much here.

    if i wasnt committed to being single after my breakup id date her.

    just wanted to share.

  11. diana says:

    i really need help. Ive been hurt by my therapist and i acted crazy to save his license and him from loosing his family. The state failed me and closed the case on him and im left hurt and i have nobody and i hate myself. Ive been through allot all my life and i need help but it took me along time to put my trust in him and you would not believe the things he put me through i have scares on me from him and so much pain in my heart because i really love him. I need help please.

  12. Carole says:

    Anybody here from Nashville? I’m curious to know if my therapist did this to any other of his clients!!

  13. Nancy says:

    DON’T SLEEP WITH YOUR THERAPIST!!!!!! My sexual relationship with my therapist started 16 years ago. It’s a long story, but he has bounced in and out of my life throughout all these years. I was only in therapy with him for about 9 months. We waited for a year or so after therapy to begin our sexual relationship. This has affected my life in a very non-productive way. These therapists KNOW how to manipulate you into thinking that you are special, that you’re the one, that they need you – what ever your issues are, they use them to bring you back into THEIR madness. I can’t seem to tell him to leave me alone and we have had an intense relationship for the past year and a-half. I know he has slept with other patients and he still communicates with them. HE IS THE ONE WITH MAJOR PROBLEMS!!!!!!!!!!!! I know that I will be hurt in the end and I’ve tried to move on with my life, but I feel stuck. I don’t want to see another therapist – I am worried this will happen again. PLEASE DON’T SLEEP WITH YOUR THERAPIST!!!!!!!!!!

    • GP says:

      Thank you for sharing, your advice is right on the money.

      Please let your state licensing board about this therapist. You don’t have to prosecute or anything; just let them know there’s a problem. Hopefully this way someone less resilient might end up NOT with this therapist.

      GP

  14. Kristin says:

    Why is often women who sleep with their male therapist that look atbit as a bad experience and abuse, whilw guys who sleep with their female therapist find it just okay or good, or a normal relationship?

    • GP says:

      Because unfortunately we have a double standard.

      I would argue that it’s worse for men who are abused by their therapists because of the presupposition that it’s not that big a deal.

      It’s a big deal and a huge betrayal of trust.

    • Manu says:

      I am 40 male, recently had a counseling with same aged lady. very nice, she is gorgeous, wish I could f*ck with her. Upon reveling my sexual fantasy abt girls sexuality, she said “it is normal. Girls too like it”…I am not sure, whether it would be mutually good for us, but the sexual instinct is great. I think, if we keep distance, we could be good friends. Maybe my mind is playing tricks.

  15. kay says:

    Therapist-Client Sex in the Regressive Therapies by Keith Borden
    primal-page.com/sexclie.html brill article, worth reading…please remeber a god therapist gets you to talk it out–nnot act it out– that’s the critical difference between therapy and abuse. Go well kx

  16. kay says:

    sorry ‘good’ therapist- sometime they can be like god- but as we see, much more fallible as simplyt human– kay

    • leila says:

      I’m a psychology student and my psychologist is also one of my lectures. I thought I was going through transference but knowing the signs, the causes and that those feelings and issues were already resolved I knew it wasn’t transference. I really have sexual feelings towards him, not love, infatuation or see him as a fatherly figure. Just plain rrrrrrr sex!! :p he doesn’t know and I won’t ever tell him and won’t ever act on these urges cuz I’m not a home wrecker but it can sometimes become a bit of an obsession and THAT I know is unhealthy…not really sure what to do, advice?

  17. Stephen says:

    Sex with your psychologist/therapist is absolutely the most devastating action to your mental health. My psychologist groomed me from the first visit. My sessions were always the last session of the evening. I was told we can talk about anything and that I love you. My psychologist suggested I was sexually abused as a child. I had no memory of such things. The doctor began to take me back into my childhood via hypnosis. Through her suggestion I believed my mother engaged in sexual acts with me. I didn’t speak with my parents for 8yrs.
    The doctor then began asking me to sit on the couch with her so she could hold me. I refused at first, but her persistence won out. When I sat with her, I would let her know I was feeling aroused and she would reply…just go with how you feel. I am a married man with two teenage children. The psychologist is married with three children. Did I mention that she works out of her home. I started to fondle her breasts, then touching her vagina and she stopped me. The next session went the same way holding and fondling and then she told me to stand up, and once I did she took down my pants and performed oral sex. From that moment (2003), I was in a intimate relationship with this doctor. Our so called therapeutic relationship lasted until 2006. In 2006 the doctor’s husband committed suicide. My relationship with the doctor ended in December 2011.

    I have been hospitalized twice for suicide attempts. The most recent was December 2011. I am lucky to be alive. I reported my story to the Pennsylvania State Board of Psychology in March of 2012. I am still waiting to hear the finial disposition. The doctor has been seeing clients during this time.

    What has happened to me has happened to many others. The only way to make a change is to report the abusers. My Life was shattered and destroyed when I meet this doctor.

  18. Stephen says:

    She is still practicing.

    • GP says:

      Un-fucking-believable.

      • Stephen says:

        I can not tell you how painful it is to hear from people to get over it or you had your fun. This women had me believe she was in love with me. People just don’t understand what happens in that intimate place when you really bare your soul and then find out years later you were just a toy to satisfy someone else’s sexual needs. Fucked up is an understatement. I am still trying to find my way.

      • GP says:

        What are you doing to find your way?

      • Stephen says:

        I am seeing another psychologist who specializes in this type of abuse. This doctor is helping get through. My wife has been an incredible strength and support through this mess. And I have a few close friends who support me as well.

  19. John Ogawa says:

    To blogger, i skipped the whole comment section. Didnt read it. I am sorry i restart an old post. I am 23yo man with BPD. The usual stuff with suicidal and other mix. Prescribed medication has keeping me well in line. Happy to say i am doing alright with daily life and work. Been seeing my psychiatrist for almost 2 year. I do agree on the negative outweigh the benefit of transference. At some point i realised i was emotionally compromised. I tried to distance myself. I informed my psychiatrist of my sexual fantasy towards her. It was like i am totally obsessed with her, even though she is married. We learn to work it out. I cannot deny that the emotion was real. She was really helpful. I cannot say lucky because that was her job. Had i fallen for her, i would feel terrible. She would lose her job. What she faced is much more terrible than i do. But we were beyond that now. Its normal when you were meeting someone on a weekly basis. Feelings tend to appear more real than they really are. Hope this help. Just so you know.

  20. Stephen says:

    I wanted you to know that my Doctor was finally dealt with. Her licence has been on Active Suspension since Dec. 6th 2013. She was fined $2000.00 plus costs of $945.00 and must complete 30 hours of education on boundary issues and ethics.

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