I spent a few hours today thinking about redoing my inner circle. But here’s the thing. I don’t really have good sobriety on all the behaviors in my inner circle right now and I know that addicts who redefine their inner circles by themselves, when they aren’t sober, are making a big mistake. I probably wrote a long winded but erudite blog post about that very thing. Ha.
I’m not doing anything that I need to disclose to my husband. He knows (most) of what I’ve been doing (mostly).
I know. That sounds like bullshit to me too.
I wish it was spring because I like how the air smells more alive and I can feel the warmth of the sun. I hate being cold. When you’re sweating, you know you’re alive, which is one positive thing about being peri menopausal: hot flashes can be taken as a sign of aliveness.
I know. That sounds like bullshit to me to. But it did make me smile a little bit. 🙂
Trudging the Gentle Path of Happy Destiny 
When you are shivering, you know you’re alive too 🙂 I truly hope that you disclose everything to your husband. Mostly is seen as lying and betrayal to those of us coaddicts. We need to know it all, not out of anything critical, but because we want to know and love our spouses 100%, not just the parts they are comfortable sharing. We want to know the true humanity and vulnerability of our loved ones, just as likely you want to know all of who he is, and love it all. It’s ok to be scared and vulnerable.
As always, it was incredibly difficult to just spit it out but I did make a full and honest disclosure. I’d been fairly honest all along, but the one big thing . . . that was difficult to disclose.
In about 30 minutes, I’m going to be ragingly horny, and then about 30 minutes after that, assuming I don’t act out; I’m going to feel something that’s not sexual: sad, angry, ashamed, or afraid. By then I should be meeting with a recovery friend to talk. He knows the whole back story and he won’t baby or bullshit me, so if I’ve planned right, I should make it home sober. I only slept from 10:30 ’till around 1:00, so I’ll be “HALTing” by the time I get home. If I stop by the gym instead of going to an open AA meeting, I should be able to sleep tonight. The exercise helps and feeling “less than” in the meeting would not be good for me today.
Thanks for caring. But even more, thanks for understanding.
As crummy as this is, I am not even close to being as miserable and desperate as I was in 2006. So while I am worried I might act out, it feels really good to know that my family isn’t better off without me and to know that I’m glad I’m alive.
So glad you spit it out! Great job!!! You’re going to get through the horniness and get to the actual feeling That’s a good thing. Feelings are growing pains, and are real, and they always change. Sounds like you have a good support network to help you through this.
I love reading your blog, so even your blog family is better off because you are in it, even though we don’t know each other outside of this. I’m glad you’re alive too.