Hello World

no group here

 

I’ve been seeing a new therapist closer to where I live. It’s nice not having to block out a half day to go to therapy. I can get to his office in about 10 minutes, which is really convenient.

I have mixed feelings though about being back in therapy. Yes, it’s true that therapy is often a step in the right direction along the gentle path toward self-actualization. But the road is anything but easy. Yesterday was a tough session. And today I’ve been this weepy, sad person that I don’t want to be.

Part of what I want from therapy is verification that I am NOT a seductive, career-ruining, predator. I want to move past an academic acceptance. I want to be free of the guilt and shame that I have about having a sexual relationship with my former therapist. His rationalization that we hadn’t really had a sexual relationship because “it was only phone sex” is something I’ve NEVER believed. I saw that as the rationalization when he said it to me, and I still believe with all my heart that although we did not actually have intercourse or actually touch each others bodies, we did have a sexual relationship. I know it. And that sexual relationship was . . . dare I say . . . NOT therapeutic.

I want to feel that sure about whether I did something wrong during our sessions. How do I do that? How do I convince myself that I did not behave inappropriately? What I’ve been doing is telling this new therapist about how I acted in sessions and asking his opinion. So far I’ve asked two therapists if bringing coffee to a therapist is flirtatious, seductive, or bad. So far, the consensus is that it’s probably not a bad thing. Probably. That’s where I get stuck, but the truth is that it doesn’t matter how many times I ask, I never REALLY believe I was blameless. How does that get fixed? It’s like a kind of psychic phantom limb pain.

***************

I’ve been trying to start a 12-step group in my town with very little success. I have a box of stuff, I have a meeting place, but no people. Periodically men will contact the hotline, but they don’t want to talk to a female. That’s understandable, but I’m tired of trying to get a group going.

***************

I’m just sad. I feel like someone dear to me has died. I feel sorry for this little girl who was me, for this woman who was me. I wonder if this is healthy – poor me, poor me, pour me, and all that jazz.

But the scary thing for me is that I’m beginning to feel a bit angry. Resentful. That’s a scary vortex to look into. Recovery slogans aside, I believe I need to walk through these feelings. And I’m going to try hard to do it soberly because otherwise, I don’t think it’ll work.

The new therapist said that it would set me free. I don’t know if I buy that. I’m not feeling so free right now. I’m feeling sad, vulnerable, and wounded.

GP

 

About

Wife. Mother. Atheist. Aspergers. Sex Addict in Recovery.

Posted in i had sex with my therapist, life in general, my journaling, sexual addiction, therapy
One comment on “Hello World
  1. Drea says:

    Reply to a therapy abused patient

    Hello GP. I don’t know or don’t see other replies, but I want to leave one for you.

    To me, it seems as if you’re in this beat yourself up phase. I definitely don’t like this phase and think that you are undermining yourself, trapping yourself in the vortex of self defeating behaviors. You know that’s not good for you, what purposes is it serving? It’s keeping you from finding happiness, so I encourage you to speak positively about yourself. I know it’s incredibly hard, but it takes everyday effort. Expect that you are perfectly imperfect. We are fallible beings, but we (most of us anyway) choose to get back up when we fall or when others fall on us. That’s what makes us extraordinary and powerful beings. You have it in you to bring yourself peace and happiness, you just have to decide to go after them.

    Also, it’s most definitely ok to work out hurt feelings; feel sad when you’re sad, happy when you’re happy, ambivalent when you’re ambivalent etc., etc. Be in those moments, don’t push them away, and don’t turn your claws in on yourself because of them.

    I am truly sorry about all of the pain you are/were feeling. I can relate because I’ve been a victim of incest, rape and domestic violence. The pain that abuser’s inflict whether they are counselor’s, teacher’s or just some random man/woman off the street are pretty much the same. Honestly, I’m most definitely NOT over my pain, but I’ve learned to understand it, and live with it, and expect that you will too. It is in NO way your fault. Your counselor is/was a person in a position of power over you, no matter how much you want to believe that you’re in control, they trump you with their degrees, experience and training in counseling. They are supposed to be acutley aware of all things that go on in a session, especially sexually. It’s not something that should be dismissed like your ex-counselor did by not acknowledging his sexual deviancy (phone sex) with you. Ofcourse phone sex is a type of sex, it just sounds as if he was feeding himself some horse sized denial pills. He’s got some problems. But you on the other hand are a patient, that means he’s there, like a doctor, to help you heal yourself. Another scenario in which it seems more obvious of his guilt and your innocence is that imagine he’s your teacher and if you fall behind your peers in class and you need to stay behind after class or during summer school to make-up work or get extra help, and instead he starts having sex with you, that is not ok for him to do, even if you want it or are enticing or encouraging it. Bottom line is that this person who has such power and influence over you will always be wrong. Trust me, a stranger albeit, but I know what I’m talking about here. Even though you may not be young physically, you are emotionally, and therefore need to lean, for awhile, on someone else’s (your counselors) strength, and it’s just wrong emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically for him to take advantage of you. When he took advantage of you, he did so un-lawfully and in the ways above, so you don’t need to blame yourself. You’ll have to find out state specific information on this type of crime, whatever your states government website, I guess.

    I would refrain from bringing your counselor anything whether male or female because it can be misinterpreted. If you need to bring anything there’s no problem really with just eating or drinking in front of them, especially if that’s the only time you can grab a bite to eat. They should be secure enough in themself to just let it be. The session, especially if eating is therapeutic to you, is all about Y-O-U, not them. They should’ve eaten or can bring their own snack during their break.

    You said you feel as if “someone near to you has died.” Having experienced something similar would you say that what died was some kind of innocence you had before this experience, and/or trust in the goodness of humanity or counselors, and/or your hopes of figuring out whatever brought you into therapy was taken away by your ex-counselor?

    Anger you say? Ofcourse you’re feeling angry. There’s lots to be angry over here. Where’s the justice? Why can’t your ex-counselor just admit that he was wrong in every way and fall on his own sword? In reality if he did, then they really could take away his license and way of living and it would be his own fault. No lawyer would ever encourage their client to admit any guilt, they wouldn’t get any business.

    Anyway, continue to do good work and most definitely reply if and when you’d like. Don’t let them keep you down or from living your life the way you want. Don’t give up because once you do, you truly will become their victim. Stay strong, fight the good fight.

    Sincerely,

    Drea

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