Betrayal Bonds

I was reading an editorial in the paper today about how the young woman who prostituted herself to Spitzer looks like a well adjusted consenting adult. And the problem with that is that it makes it easy for us to forget that most prostitutes are terribly abused and in nearly inescapable betrayal bonds with their pimps.

This is not a good profession for girls and women, period. Even this seemingly well adjusted, happy young woman is not as happy as she seems. Normally I’d preface that statement with a “probably” or a “maybe.” But I’m 100% certain that she is not as joyous as she seems.

There are all kinds of sexual mistakes well adjusted adults make. Having sex with someone and later wishing we hadn’t probably tops the list. Doing something sexual and later wishing we hadn’t, like using a position that just doesn’t work for us. A game that leaves us feeling a little icky, or we maybe got hurt. But well adjusted adults do not prostitute themselves.

The Pretty Woman myth is such complete and utter bullshit I have to wonder at our motivation for continuing it. We tell ourselves that if she wants to make money on her back, well, so what? That’s her choice. And as long as it’s her choice, we can continue to pretend that it’s just a business transaction.

But deep down, we know that’s a lie. When you have sex with a prostitute, you’re abusing her. Paying for it doesn’t change that. You’re just another face in a long string that extends back to that person’s childhood. Another man who only values her as a object of lust; a sperm receptacle.

And what the hell? Everyone knows this. There’s a giant hole in our thinking here. The little girl or boy that a few years ago you would have felt so sorry for, now that he or she is older, it’s okay.

Old teddybear
Originally uploaded by zakwitnij



  1. That’s it in a nutshell! You said it so well – I also feel that I’m less judgmental and more judgmental than I was before. It’s just weird for me to be so sure of anything these days.

    I am really enjoying your blog! And I’m so glad that it’s been okay for me to comment there. I was kind of nervous about that (there’s the minimizing statement of the week!)

  2. I wanted to stop by and say thanks for visiting my blog.

    You wrote:
    “Normally I’d preface that statement with a “probably” or a “maybe.” But I’m 100% certain that she is not as joyous as she seems.”

    And I agree. I was thinking about this today. My marriage to a sex addict has made me much less likely to judge people (i.e. think of them as “bad”), but much more likely to make (and be completely certain of) snap judgments (i.e. “she was abused as a child”). Meeting the people I’ve met and hearing the stories I’ve heard from addicts and codependents in recovery makes me believe, as surely as I believe anything in this world that 100% of prostitutes are people deeply in pain, no matter how happy they may seem.

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