A Moment of Clarity

Thank you to everyone who wished me well on our move. The new house is great! A few minor glitches here and there, like the hot and cold water being hooked up backwards in the shower, nothing to really worry about. I’ve gotten most of our stuff unpacked and we got a new couch and chair. My husband had a really nice birthday; given how his f*cked up family of origin treated him on his birthdays that’s pretty amazing. Yesterday the family vacated the house for a few hours and a sponsee came over to take her fifth step. A few hours after that we had some friends over to celebrate our anniversary and it went really well!

All in all, a superlative series of fortunate events. So why the hell am I sitting here, wide awake at 4:00 a.m. banging away in journalistic mode. I should be sound asleep — because I’m f*cking tired. I should be snuggled up to the husband I love with all my heart and who loves me back even though I’m far from perfect. Except I’m a sex addict who’s been under a whole bunch of stress. I’ve been in recovery over three years. I’ve been sober since I got out of treatment almost two years ago. Not only have I been sober from sexual acting out, I’ve also abstained from alcohol and tobacco. I mean, goddamn it, I’ve been like the f*cking recovery poster woman. I go to meetings, talk regularly with my sponsor, have a few sponsees, one of whom actually calls me. I say affirmations, do relapse prevention, and my three circles are impressive enough to f*cking photograph.

All that recovery stuff has not cured me. Generally that’s not something I feel angry about but right now, it sucks. I woke up sexually aroused, not my fault since I was unconscious. And then I couldn’t get back to sleep. Again, not my fault. You can’t exactly will yourself to sleep. You know that part in the Big Book where it warns that there will come a time when you have no defense against taking the first drink? Well that was me tonight. Before I know it, the f*ucking glass is in my hand and I’m getting ready to take a big ole gulp and it hits me that I’m about to lose my sobriety.

Recovery gives me a lot of things, but a moment of clarity is probably the most important of them all. In that instant, I was able to make a difficult choice to get up and take a step back from the edge of the cliff. Right now I’m cranky, horny, itchy, and pissed off beyond belief. I wish I could just lie there and fantasize. I mean after all, it does feel good to be turned on. But I can’t do that because it feeds my addiction, which sucks! And although I have a good looking naked man in my bed, using him sexually when I’m in this state is just a shitty thing to do. No human being is meant to be my personal blow-up doll. Besides, that would also feed my addiction.

I’m glad that I got that moment of clarity and then had the desire to stay sober because that desire for recovery is the very first thing to go, in my experience. In a few hours I’ll talk to my sponsor and probably hit an open AA meeting (I’m so glad they let me in the door).

I’m finally starting to get tired. Two funny things just occurred to me. First, there’s this commercial on TV for Viagra that warns that you need to see a doctor if you get an erections that last more than a day. I’m grateful my sexual arousal will pass without medical intervention. Second, I’m typing on the computer. Holy shit! I nearly lost my sobriety and did a REALLY dumb, dangerous thing. In a fraction of a second you can click to some sort of porn or another and I didn’t do that!

Perhaps this is not a good time for me to find a picture to go with this post in order to add visual interest.

I grabbed a screen shot -- it\'s safer and shows no porn on the desktop! Yeah. Probably not. The birds are starting to sing. My body is starting to settle down. I have an hour before I have to get up, which means I’m going to have one monster of a headache. I know from past experience that Tylenol and a big cup of strong coffee doesn’t have any effect on shame. But it’ll take care of the headache I’m going to have from not sleeping. There’s another thing to be grateful for: coffee and Tylenol. That and I’m still sober, with enough sanity to be glad I’m still sober.



  1. As usual I don’t really now what to say after reading one of your powerful posts. I’m not a sex addict but I certainly have weird hang-ups where sex is concerned. Nevertheless, “it works it you work it”. I’m happy you’re back blogging.

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