Good Therapy Helps

I think addicts have broken eyes. We can’t see ourselves accurately and we mistrust others when they tell us we’re worthy. Just like the song says, my current therapist is sometimes a mirror for me.

I’ve been wanting to act out. I’m bitchy, cranky, irritable, angry and tired, tired, tired of not being able to do what I want to do. I walked into my therapist’s office yesterday feeling scared that I was going to relapse and angry that I can’t do what I want. I was a evil person with disgusting desires.

He pointed out that it makes sense that I’d have all those addictive hungers swirling around. We moved. One of my children graduated from college, I spent time with my mother, I had a big wedding anniversary, it’s difficult to get to meetings, and so forth. His words took the energy out of my self hatred. The shame that comes from wanting something I don’t want to want – that’s what fuels the addictive process and without that fuel, I can think better.

I really like my therapist. Probably I love him. He knows my entire story and sees me as a good person. He knows all the gory details of what I’ve done, knows exactly how sick my fantasies are and still sees me as a good person. My struggles make sense to him. I don’t seem to disgust him at all, which is confounding. And he helps. Today I feel good, not sex starved. I’m thinking about the stuff I need to get done around the house, putting together some storage shelves and getting all the Christmas stuff organized. That’s radically different than the shit that was going through my head yesterday.

I’m trying to trust that his vision of me is right. It doesn’t feel right, but it definitely works better.

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About

Wife. Mother. Atheist. Aspergers. Sex Addict in Recovery.

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6 comments on “Good Therapy Helps
  1. Mary (MPJ) says:

    Those crazy moments of overwhelming stress are when my husband and I both, each in our own way, get our most distorted views of ourselves. What a wonderful thing to have a therapist who can help you find your center when the whole world is spinning.

  2. BizyLizy says:

    I have always believed in the healing power of love being reflected back the truth about who you are. These special people are placed in our lives for that reason…to mirror the love that we are.

    You are so fortunate to have such an awesome therapist. I’ve gone through three in about seven months. Grrrrrr….

    I suspect that as you continue to grow in your journey, you will find a healing source more powerful than being shown who you are. Once you own the fact that you are a beautiful soul, you will begin to reflect back to others the truth about who they are.

    And you will find in giving this gift to others where our real healing waits.

    I am so happy for you, Gentle Path. Your journey is inspiring…

    -BizyLizy

  3. GentlePath says:

    Hi jonathan, I’m an atheist.

  4. jonathan says:

    God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble, Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea..
    – Psalms 46:1-2

  5. GentlePath says:

    Thanks Greybeard. I do go to open AA meetings, although not so many now a days. I’ve gone to a few closed AA meetings and rationalize that since I haven’t had a drink for over 2 years and since I don’t speak it’s okay – but that triggers the whole less than thing. And the rigorous honesty thing.

    The whole thing is a bitch. You’ve got that right.

  6. Greybeard says:

    “I’m just a human-girl-person”.

    Laura Dern’s line from an otherwise forgettable flick called Rambling Rose I think.

    You’re doing pretty good for the shape your in. I continue to be amazed at how in tune with AA principles you are. You could pretend to be an alcoholic and start going to closed meetings. You’d be a guru in no time. You’re very insightful. It’s a bitch isn’t it?

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