It’s all about the meta-message. If you aren’t sure what a meta-message is, Deborah Tannen will explain it to you on the video.
This question we addicts get asked reminds me in a way of when my children were little and they asked, “Would you still love me if I … turn into a bad man… go to jail when I’m a grown up… throw a rock through the window… etc.” There’s only one right answer to that: “I love you. No matter what.” When they were little, I answered the question in their hearts not the one on their lips.
I think we need to do the same when we’re answering our spouses when they ask, “Do you know how much you hurt me?” In a linguistics book I read years ago, this is called addressing the meta-message. When someone sneers at you and says, “Have a nice day,” you’ll probably respond to the meta-message rather than their actual words. (One of the difficulties of email is that we often create the meta-message rather perceiving the other person’s intended communication.)