The worst consequence


What’s wrong with having lots of sex? Nothing. Especially if you’re a woman. I read this in an article at Forbes. Men who use viagra need to be careful to give their penis a “breather,” and everyone needs to protect themselves against STDs, but having a lot of sex won’t hurt you. 

There are a lot of sex addicts who really don’t have all that much sex. In fact, I have met sex addicts that are virgins. I’ve also met sex addicts that are physically unable to have intercourse. Sex becomes a problem when it’s the focus of your life, when you’re tired at work because you’ve been surfing porn all night after promising yourself (again) that you’d cut back, when you’re involved in dangerous behavior and see it as exciting, when you’re unhappy and you think it has something to do with your sex life.

When you want to stop but cannot, that’s when sex has become an addiction. And addiction has serious consequences. Don’t believe me? Read on.

The Worst Consequence 

If you’re a parent, you will pass your sex addiction down to your children, even though you’ll try to protect them. Thanks to the Internet, they will have a much more difficult time than you did, even if you’re a young parent who has grown up with computers. This is a legitimate fear and the only way you can help is to get better yourself, which you’ve probably tried to do many times already.

Other Dangers

  • You might be murdered. You can hook up with somebody from Craig’s List and getting your throat slit.
  • You might be raped. It will not be like your fantasy.
  • Everyone who lives with you is at risk when you bring a stranger home, especially children. Your average sociopathic pedophile isn’t going to ‘fess up and admit that the only reason he’s screwing you is to have access to your child. 
  • You can get beaten to death at a highway rest stop.
  • You can kill yourself accidently if you put something around your neck when you masturbate.
  • You can kill yourself accidently if you use something electrical, like a car battery, when you masturbate.
  • You can kill yourself accidently if you’re using drugs when you act out sexually.
  • You can kill yourself and others when you masturbate in your car.
  • You probably won’t die from crabs, syphilis, vaginosis, genital herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea, or HPV. And you won’t die immediately from HIV/AIDS or hepatitis C.
  • You might despair and kill yourself.
  • You might be in too much pain to continue living and decide to kill yourself.
Unfortunately, your children will be affected by each and every one of these consequences, even if they do not live with you. I know that hurts to hear. When I talk to addicts in treatment, that’s when people start to cry. Nobody wants their child to grow up to suffer either as a sex addict or married to a sex addict.

Because I am “in recovery” and sex addiction is no longer a secret in my family, my children will not have to carry the same burden I did. When there are no secrets and no pretending, it changes the whole atmosphere in the house. That doesn’t mean you have to talk about sex addiction. We don’t. We don’t want to burden our children with knowledge and details that they really don’t need (or want) to know. There’s a difference between privacy and secrecy. You shut the bathroom door for privacy. Everybody pees and poops. When you’re home has privacy instead of secrecy, nobody has to be good in order to control someone else’s behavior. And nobody has to be perfect to be loved.

I’m not exactly sure how that works psychologically but here’s an example of how it works practically. Yesterday  I was mean to my kids. I completely lost it. Yelling, throwing stuff, and generally acting badly. I was clearly in the wrong, even though they were being shits about helping me clean up. Later, I talked with them about how being bratty doesn’t MAKE a mom lose her cool, and even if they’d been super good, I probably would have found something to be upset over. After all, this wasn’t the first time they’d been brats, usually I handle things much better. They understood and left the house for their Friday night activities without feeling guilty or ashamed. 

But I still felt like shit. Coming home to find me sitting in the shower crying is a big trigger for my husband. But our whole family is better now, so after saying he was worried and acknowledging the trigger, he left me to work things out myself. Later when I tried to pick a fight, he wouldn’t play along. Eventually I remembered that I don’t have to try to be super good either. Sometimes moms throw temper tantrums. After they calm down, they say they’re sorry and life goes on. But I only was able to remember that because I didn’t turn to sex to make all those feelings of shame and inadequacy go away. 

Not having secrets and dealing with our feelings and behaviors openly and honestly – that’s a big gift to give to your children.


One comment

  1. Great post. I love the distinction between secrecy and privacy – very helpful to me as we think about how to talk to our son about the things we’ve dealt with.

    Also, I’ve grown up in a family where we were taught to be good in order to control the behavior of others and I don’t, DON’T want to pass that on to my son. I’m going to share your very clear, concise explanation with my mother because every time I’ve tried to talk with her about this issue regarding her interactions with my son, ALL my buttons get pushed and I lose all ability to be clear and concise.

    Thank you.

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