My kitchen chairs are from Ikea and they’re held together by a doohickey with a funny looking screw that loosens up about every 6 months or so. My dad says that Ikea is Sweedish for sh*t, but I really like their furniture. It’s reasonably priced, they don’t have to order it, and the directions are easy enough that I can put stuff together. I’ve actually gotten pretty good at not splitting little chips of the particle board. And when I do mess up, I’m recovered enough that I don’t have a complete meltdown. Generally a little nail polish in the right color fixes things right up.
So anyway, I have these kitchen chairs and since Ikea puts an allen wrench in every box they sell, I probably have 20 of those suckers lying around the house. I know for sure there’s at least 4 in the toolbox in the garage. Since I was the one who put the chairs together 5 years ago and I’m the one who’s tightens them up when they’ve gotten wobbly, you’d probably figure I’d know that I need the right tool. And you’d be right – I do know there’s absolutely no way to do this job with anything but the right allen wrench.
I’m embarrassed to tell you that I always wait until the chairs are driving me insane before I tighten the screws. And it generally hits me that I can’t take it any more in the morning while I’m drinking my coffee. Now mind you, the garage is literally 6 and a half steps from the chair I usually sit in and the tool box is another 4 steps beyond that. The allen wrench is sitting in the little tray part of the tool box along with 3 of his little friends, all twins. With the right tool so nearby, why is it I end up hunkered down under the table with a pair of nail clippers thinking I’ll just jab the little file part in the hole and twist so the chair won’t wobble while I eat?
I’m tempted to analyze myself here but I’m not going to because there’s a problem. That thing I do with the allen wrench? I also do it with my recovery tools.
The page on this blog that gets read the most is my post on the Personal Craziness Index, which is the allen wrench of my recovery. It’s a terrific early warning system that lets me know when I’m getting off balance. That’s pretty important because addicts that are out of balance are addicts in danger of relapsing. I put a slick looking version of my PCI as an example and made sure it was big enough to read. Then I uploaded it to box.net so anyone who wanted to share my beautiful PCI could simply download it. That sucker took me many hours to put together.
I haven’t used it since that post.
So here I sit with red flags popping up all over the place (big red flags like reading the descriptions of all the porn shows I could get on pay-per-view) wondering why the hell I’m hunkered down using the equivalent of a nail clipper when I have a perfectly good tool in my recovery tool box.
What the hell is wrong with me? And why the hell am I posting about it rather than just printing off another copy and taping the damn thing to my closet wall? Wouldn’t that be better than tracking down a photo of an allen wrench or a nail clipper?
It’s not a complete washout. I have used a few recovery tools. I told my husband about scrolling though the adult pay-per-view listings. I hate doing that. It’s embarrassing. I called my therapist. I called my sponsor. Blah, blah, blah. I hate telling people I feel like acting out. It’s embarrassing.
But it’s better to be sober typing this that not sober not typing this so I guess I’m glad I was willing to humble myself. Can’t somebody invent a f-ing pill?