One of the reasons meetings are important in recovery is they give you regular chances to share what’s going on in your life. That’s important for everyone, but we all tend not to share the difficult stuff, which means we can get pretty far down the wrong path before we realize we missed the turnoff. Often this takes place during the “meeting after the meeting” when we’re all standing around socializing. At meetings, you can find people who care about you enough to tell you the truth.
I haven’t been going to meetings. Not for months. I have a sponsor, I’m active in many online recovery groups, I attend the occasional open AA meeting and I’m very good about using the phone. The drive really long, and since I’m not as desperate as I was a few years ago, I don’t need the meetings – as much.
Clearly, I’ve been having a rough time, feeling lost and all alone in the desert. And although that sounds nauseatingly melodramatic to me now that I’m feeling better, the truth is, I really wasn’t doing well at all. So along with scheduling an emergency appointment with my current therapist, I went to a meeting.
Atheist or not, we all have a need to belong and I belong there in a way that I don’t belong anywhere else. I wonder why that is because you’d think I’d feel out of place there. I’m the only woman. Several of the men credit their restored relationships with Jesus for their sexual sobriety, which doesn’t exactly jive with my atheistic view of the universe. There’s a lot of sharing about the necessity of prayer.
To be honest, part of me does do a big mental eye roll at that, but another part of me, the bigger part, is glad to be in a room where I can talk about masturbation being a gateway drug and not have to argue with idiots who think I’m just sexually repressed. Trust me, I’m not repressed. I’m a sex addict. And I fit right in at meetings because those are my people.
I’d like to share what happened, but maybe in a later post. Right now I’d like to just enjoy knowing that the worst of this storm has passed. I’m not quite ready to assess the damage or start cleaning up the wreckage, I just want to be still and enjoy the fact that I did enough right things that I weathered the storm.