Evenings are the worst. Last night we laid in bed and talked, and while it’s good to talk, I think we’re going to switch to “news, sports, weather” for a little while because . . . because that will be better. Some of that talking isn’t so much fun. He wants to know when I act out, when I have to reset my sobriety. He’s not going to go on that roller coaster ride again. That’s what he said, but what I heard is “I’m willing to leave you if you masturbate. I can look at porn but you can’t.” And that’s NOT what my husband meant. Unfortunately, it took about two hours, two panic attacks, and two crying spells for me to understand that, and that’s just one small topic!
If I’m being rigorously honest, I have to reset my sobriety again. There’s just too many ways to act out that are “technically” sober. As I’ve said before, that’s what makes sex addiction so difficult: there’s so much acting out that you can do in your own head, without any outside help at all.
If you can make your mouth water by thinking about lemons, you can understand how staying sexually sober can be one hell of a challenge.
For the record, I don’t count fantasy, even deliberate fantasy as something that necessitates a reset in my sobriety. But reading bdsm romance (yep, it exists) without pictures . . . let’s just say that I can’t rationalize that as being “okay.” We’re beyond licking the bottle here and well into lite beer. Besides, the self-injury is starting to concern me. One of the ways that other sex addicts sometimes act out their self loathing is to injure their genitals. Sometimes it just happens as a result of the tools/toys they use. And sometimes it’s just that when you’re “in the bubble” you don’t notice how long you’ve left something on. When it still hurts the next day, that (imho) is a sign that you’ve gone too far. Having to take a few Tylenol is NOT a good sign. I recognize that.
So I’ll set up another appointment with my therapist and hopefully with his help I’ll be able to deal with the feelings that are so unwelcome I’m willing to act out sexually to avoid them. If I can just get my nose above water again, I think I’ll be okay.
God, this fucking sucks. Ultimately, it’s much ado over fucking masturbation. Christ. It’s like getting bent because I fart or pick my nose. I don’t do it in public! It’s not illegal! It’s not even immoral unless you have a stick up your ass.
I’m cussing a lot. One might think I’m angry.
I don’t feel angry.