An inner debate while trudging

trudge/trəj/

Noun: A difficult or laborious walk: “the long trudge back”.
Verb: Walk slowly and with heavy steps, typically because of exhaustion or harsh conditions
So yeah. I’m trudging the road of happy destiny, not skipping the happy road of happy destiny but trudging the crappy road of happy destiny. Clearly, I’m not there yet.
Through out my loss of sobriety I’ve tried to continue to be helpful to other suffering addicts. This is hypocritical, to say the least. I feel like I ought to be including a disclaimer: “Everything I’m telling you is true, I’m just not doing any of it myself.”
I had a talk with my husband last night, a super short one. I told him I’d masturbated. He was like, “When? Today?” I was like, “Yeah.” He said that he really didn’t care if I masturbated, but that he worried about things “getting crazy” again.
So today’s debate is, things don’t get crazy unless I’m in an abusive situation. Things were crazy when I was young and lived at home. Things were crazy for a while after I left home. But then I found my husband and things were good until work separated us and I got a much older boss that I started sleeping with. That didn’t end well. We both lost our jobs and I nearly lost my life in what was the worst summer of my life until I met Fr. M. the therapist. Things were crazy when I was seeing him too. And like the boss, they were crazy way before things got sexual. But the 20 years between those two times, things were not crazy. Sometimes they were bad, but my life was never unmanageable. I did things I wasn’t proud of, but nothing illegal. No sex outside my marriage. Nothing dangerous. Compulsive, yes. Unmanageable, no.
But that was then. Am I rationalizing? Saying I’m not really a heroin addict because I only use when a pusher offers me drugs? On my own I just drink lite beer and never drive drunk?
I’m reminding myself of a drug and alcohol counselor who goes to the bar on Friday nights and then pontificates to the patients during the week. I’ve seen a few of those bozos at AA meetings and I have absolutely no respect for them. So I’m understandably having trouble finding a bit of respect for myself when I’m acting the same damn way.
But I don’t want to quit masturbating! It’s fun, it feels good, and there’s no calories; except for those times when it’s shameful, painful, or . . . whatever. It also seriously interferes in my ability to ring the bell when I’m having sex with my husband, which sucks for both of us (a revelation – he does care but feels powerless to make a difference.)
I don’t like having to depend on him for orgasm. It’s scary.
There. I said it.
I think that might be something a sex addict would say. I think this is an inordinate amount of thinking and worrying about sex for someone my age, regardless of what my hormone levels are.

 

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About

Wife. Mother. Atheist. Aspergers. Sex Addict in Recovery.

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Posted in relapse
5 comments on “An inner debate while trudging
  1. Ken says:

    I have read this post so many times in the last week, I can’t even tell you. I identify very strongly with everything you’ve written… thank you for sharing.

  2. Ken says:

    I have been the same way… I have guys wanting to talk to me about getting clean from porn (which I was for a year) while I’m currently drowning in relapse… I feel like a complete sham sometimes.

  3. Ives says:

    Thanks for your honesty. I’ve been in 12 step programs for 18 years. Sober in AA all of that time. Stumbling along in sex addiction recovery for the past 11 years. Short periods of abstinence here and there. Abstinent today? No. . .

    However, has my life improved? I believe so. Relationships are more meaningful and enduring. Less chaos and drama. My connection with a higher power continues to unfold in pretty cool ways. Just for today I’ll make another commitment to reach for the spiritual solution.

  4. Hank says:

    Ultimately, I had to decide for myself what my life is about. I seem to have this ability to find fault with every human being I have come across, yet I kept looking for “a someone” who would have the perfect advice for me, to get me clean and sober. Never did come across that person, never will I be that person.

    I got to choose where I wanted my journey to go. I make that choice each day. I don’t make that journey alone. I travel it with others. They help me, I help them. Importantly, I cannot let myself become dependent on others, for then I become resentful and end up alone.

    Just for today.

  5. Wow, what a powerful blog post, so much honesty while working to understand yourself. I am married to a recovering sex addict who now has 18 months sobriety, but all this and more has been shared between us and we found out that honesty was the first step for both of us and nothing happened; the world didn’t open up and swallow us and we are healing…

    Keep up the healing for yourself.

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