Recovery has ruined my acting out

There’s a saying that AA will ruin your drinking. It’s true for sex addiction too. Nothing works as well when you’re thinking in the back of your mind that you might be a sex addict, or in my case that you are having a relapse instead of merely experiencing a rebirth of interest in less vanilla (i.e. more fun) sexual stuff.

I know that sounds totally self-deluded, but that’s exactly what I was trying so hard to believe. Unfortunately (or fortunately I guess) there’s that whole progressive thing that you get with addiction. You know, where “normal porn” is boring. Whether I call it vanilla, normal, or wholesome; it doesn’t work for me for long.

Think of food. Sure it’s nice to have a fancy dinner every once in a while, but imagine if you were hungry, really hungry and a nice PB&J on homemade bread with a tall glass of milk was completely ho-hum. Like so boring that you wouldn’t want to eat it even though your stomach is growling.

That would be kind of sad, don’t you think? That’s not how I want to be. It’s not sober.

So I decided to quit downloading erotica and reread Patrick Carnes and in the process I found a new author, Maureen Canning. The book is Lust, Anger, & Love. After reading a teeny-tiny bit of her book, I just couldn’t make myself believe any more of my own b.s. After reading more, I didn’t feel like working so hard to rationalize any more.

For today anyway.

On a more personal note, my oldest son is in Iraq. If you are one of the many Americans who send packages to our troops overseas, thank you. Today, I went to the post office with the package I’ve been putting together for him. There’s a cd of family photos, some candy, toiletries, and a few magazines, Family Handyman and the like. I hate dropping those packages off. Most of the time I can avoid remembering that he’s over there, wearing body armor and carrying a gun with bullets. I feel so sad when I think about it. I have to fight to stay centered and not fall into a big pit of sadness. Some of those young men and women don’t come home . . . life is not a sure thing. There are no guarantees. That’s difficult to live with.

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About

Wife. Mother. Atheist. Aspergers. Sex Addict in Recovery.

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Posted in good books, life in general, relapse
4 comments on “Recovery has ruined my acting out
  1. Rae says:

    A great big thank you to your son for his service to our country, and to your family for your sacrifice.

    I love Maureen Canning’s book. I’ve been thinking of rereading a book by Kelly McDaniel called “Ready to Heal.” I might just reread Canning’s book as well.

  2. Ken says:

    I like the “vanilla” description. That damned progression just cannot be stopped, no matter how hard I try to “control” the progress of my addiction.

  3. Ives says:

    “Vanilla” sex . . . Lots of things go well with vanilla. Vanilla = Normal?? As one of my sponsors once told me, normal is a setting on a washing machine.

    I write this reply for myself. Thanks for reminding me that its my addictive beliefs about sex that make it more difficult to act out. My recovery makes me more sensitive to my encounters with sexuality not shameful over it. This is the beauty of the program. A seemingly tragic flaw becomes a most endearing asset. The ability to discern what’s healthy and not healthy sexuality for me becomes part of the spiritual journey. What a wonder!!

    Today, I embrace my sexuality as one integral part of me. It is not me.

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