It’s true there still isn’t much going on. There’s just a minimum of drama when you’re living in recovery. That makes for a good life, but a boring blog. So instead of posting, I’ve been, well, living.
Like most women, I’m not happy with my weight. I’d like to lose 40 lbs, but eating less and exercising more is difficult. I’d rather take an easier, softer way, but one that wouldn’t make my heart explode or anything nasty like that. I’ve been walking more. My strategy is to listen to audiobooks while I walk and not allow myself to listen at any other time. There have been days I’ve walked for 3 hours just to hear what happens next. So far I haven’t lost any weight. But the dog is happy.
What else is going on? My youngest son is in college and living at home. Recently he’s decided we should do a better job making meals. He’s been doing the grocery shopping and cooking, which is pretty fantastic. He’s 20. He doesn’t smoke, drink, or use drugs. He’s getting good grades in college. He’s been nagging the rest of the family about cleaning up after themselves in the kitchen. Oddly enough, although I’m proud and really enjoying watching him mature into a really fine young man, I’m aggravated when he puts stuff away. I make sure everything I cook with is on the bottom shelves, where I can reach. He’s tall and tends to put the olive oil up on the top shelf, where it fits better. But I can’t reach it. And he likes the counters clear. So he moves the appliances out to the garage, which drives me nuts. It’s true we don’t use the blender every day, but I don’t want to go to the garage to get it when I need it. Sheesh. Honestly though, I think it’s just difficult for me to give up control of what I view as MY territory. Which is funny because I’m a terrible cook and he’s actually pretty good at it.
So as you can see, my life is pretty darn good. As I like to say, mental health agrees with me. As I sit typing this, the dog is sleeping next to me, I have a new audiobook to listen to when I finish here and take the dog for a walk. The sun is shining! My son is blasting his obnoxious music and singing off key. My other son will be home from Iraq soon. My daughter has an away game tonight. My other daughter sent me some hilarious text messages about some of the websites she’s found. All of the children have been emailing each other, which makes me so happy. I didn’t want to have children because I was sure I’d mess them up. Then I didn’t want to have more than one, because I was sure they’d grow up hating each other. Instead I have this wonderful, wonderful family.
** If you have kids, read Siblings Without Rivalry. It’s the best book about parenting I’ve ever read, and I’ve read all of them.
It’s hard to imagine that there was a time when I seriously thought my family would be better off if I were dead, if only I could figure out how to make it look like an accident.
It’s hard to believe I was so lost, so unhappy but I was. My sexual acting out helped me through some difficult times, no doubt about it. Of course, ultimately it brought more pain than peace, as addiction always does. I learned those maladaptive coping skills when I was very little, like many people do. And like most addicts, it’s been difficult to learn to live a new way. I was going to talk about that in this post: anorgasmia and antidepressants, a very unhappy marriage, I can assure you.
Instead, I’ve been talking about the good things in my life. The problems with sex aren’t bothering me right now, I have faith that things will work out. And my daughter needs me to drop off some money and a pillow for the bus ride to her game. And I have to be there in the next 15 minutes, which doesn’t give me much time to shower and change out of my pajamas.
I hope your life is just as wonderful as mine is. I’ll do another post and talk about the chart I have pictured. Right now, it’s just not important.