I wrote this post a LONG time ago, back in 2010. I came across it just now as I sit here trying to distract myself from surfing the Internet for porn. Lately I’ve been questioning whether or not I want to keep doing this recovery stuff.
I don’t have much to offer up to the blogosphere, but maybe it will help someone somehow. I haven’t really “quit” recovery; but I am thinking about it.
Have I learned to trust my gut again?
To be completely honest, I don’t know if my broken compass is “fixed” or if I’m just more self aware. It works better than it did before but there are times when the needle says “safe” or “fun” or “not dangerous” when I’m contemplating doing some really dumb stuff.
There are things I’m still very unsure about. Alcohol, for example. I’m definitely not an alcoholic but I’m afraid to drink. The whole thing aggravates me, I feel stupid and angry every time I think about it, so I’ve just put the entire drinking thing on the back burner. For now, I don’t drink.
There are other things I’m pretty sure about. There’s a certain kind of creepy interaction that catches my attention immediately – we were introduced to a group of people and one of the men touched my 12 year old daughter’s back in a way that made me think he might be a child molester. My husband wasn’t worried about him at all.
Often I have to rely on others for reality checks. Take today for example. One of my big triggers is when I feel that someone is trying to take advantage of me financially. So today when a contractor stopped by with an unexpected bill – I asked my husband (who does not have that trigger) whether he thought we were being cheated. In his opinion, it was a legitimate charge. I cannot tell you what a leap of faith it is for me to rely on my husband’s judgment and let go of my own feelings. That’s especially difficult when I feel righteous, as I do in this case. It’s been 4 years since I entered treatment and got sober. I’ve been “graduated” from therapy for nearly a year.