I spent some time talking with my husband today. I wanted to know how he was doing with me resetting my sexual sobriety. We have an agreement that I be honest with him about my acting out, and I’ve been absolutely honest.
There are some things he’s willing to live with like masturbation and pornography. Cybersex and phone sex, not so much. Anonymous sex, not at all. Adult bookstores would be okay and he’s not leaving if I drink (I’m not an alcoholic). Drugs aren’t a temptation for me, thank goodness. But he wouldn’t stay with me if I started doing drugs.
So basically, I have a truly wonderful husband, a true friend and a real partner. He knows me and loves me, and for this I’m very grateful.
And I have to say, it’s an ENORMOUS relief to know that with all the sexual acting out I’ve been doing, I don’t have to worry about dragging him back down into the pit with me. He’ll stay on the edge of this ho,e I’m digging and wish me well, and give me lots of feedback that I’m not a worthless, depraved slut. That he loves me and that things will get better and that I can stop. It’s a relief because I know that if I cross certain lines, he will leave me. If I lie and don’t tell him what I’ve done, he will leave if he thinks that is best for him.
I wonder if other sex addicts struggle with the pressure of having to hide out of some perverted notion that they need to protect their spouse?
Whatever. For my part, I’m really glad that this man I love will not stay with me if it is damaging to him, even though he will most likely still love me. Because more and more I’m feeling like I want to change my mind about whether I’m going to continue worrying about porn, erotica, and masturbation. I mean honestly. Maybe this is all much ado about nothing, right.