Good morning.


So after some consideration, I’ve decided to take a break from trying to convince myself that I don’t really need to be worried about this little rejuvenation of interest doing things that are in my list of non-sober behaviors. Inner circle, bottom lines, acting out behaviors, general fucked up’d-ness or normal sexual desire; whatever the hell I label it, it’s not healthy. Who the hell wakes up in the morning and decides to surf porn, or read erotica? When I finally notice my stomach growling and glance at the clock, it’s after 2:00 and nary an orgasm has been enjoyed. Over eight hours of this and I haven’t done anything productive but pee.

But not today. Because yesterday I got honest and said out loud that I really needed to make a commitment to not acting out. And here’s the funny part. After well over $100,000.00 of therapy, a master’s degree, and a fucking library full of psych and recovery books, I had a really difficult time coming up with something else to do. No shit!

How about shower? Eat? Go to work?

I’m a fucking genius.

No. Wait. I’m a person with meal adaptive coping mechanisms who is trying to self medicate her way through some obvious and no-so-obvious stressors. Obvious: work and kids. Not-so-obvious: I don’t have a fucking clue. But whatever bullshit psychological scar, bruise, trauma or drama is happening in my little pea-brain, I’m really ready for it to be over. I mean, for fuck’s sake. So I didn’t get a red tricycle when I was three. Get over it already!

I’m ready to crawl out of my fucking skin.

I guess that clinches it. When you stop doing something that isn’t addictive, you don’t get that jumpy, edgy, jittery, fucking, fucking, fucking, I just need something to get through the day feeling.

I can tell you this much. I’m going to endure this withdrawal and fucking EXCISE that goddamn red tricycle, whatever the hell it is. Somewhere there’s got to be a brain surgeon who would do awake brain surgery and just zap that fucker right out of my head. It’d be sooooo much easier than digging around in there with a spoon, which is about what therapy feels like these days.

Right. Shower. Stopping bitching and starting with first things first. Shower.



  1. I just recently got on this site, left a comment and signed up. I must say, your post made me smile. I’ve had those conversations in my head, too, “Enough already, get over it, start over….this is bullshit!” I’ve repeated that more then once and mean it every time!! Sometimes it works and I’m great for days at a time, sometimes it doesn’t. But one thing is for sure – I WILL NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!! I hope you did have a good day! Thanks.

  2. Glad to see that reality is peeking in a little. The comment about not getting edgy when you stop non addictive behaviors makes so much sense. You have been so much of a blessing in my life. I have thought of you often and I am sorry things are difficult but I believe you will prevail.

    I read that you missed your addiction more than your faith. I pray that changes one day. The actions of men don’t change the attributes of God. Whatever people do doesn’t determine who He is. He made the sunrise in the picture and he made you. Man may have damaged or wounded you but He can. Sorry to sound preachy.

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