About me

When I started this blog I was angry that there weren’t any current blogs written by sex addicts. It seemed like people blogged for awhile and then just quit. What the heck? Did they get better? Were they cured? Or did they stop going to meetings and die?

At that time, I was scared to death that I wasn’t going to do something right and that I’d just fall off the edge of the world. Now, I’m not so afraid. I’m also not so sure I’m an actual sex addict. I had this discussion with my therapist and he had (as usual) an interesting take: that I had problematic sexual behaviors that I no longer have because I’m mentally healthier and I deal with my internal upsets with more awareness and more sophistication. I’m less self abusive. When life knocks me sideways, rather than compulsively surfing porn or masturbating, I’m more likely to make fancy tea, do my nails, or buy something for the garden. Basically I’m trying to self soothe in ways that don’t lead to shame. It’s not easy – I bet I spent more on nail stuff this week than a normal, healthy woman would have. But here’s the thing, I’m not a normal, healthy woman. I’m damaged. And while we all become damaged to some extent as we go through life, childhood sexual abuse is a special kind of damage. 

On Facebook today, I saw a thing about child porn being found in Michael Jackson’s house. It astonishes me the number of people who refuse to believe he was a child molestor because he was also a talented entertainer. What? My grandfather was a respected judge. He was also a child molester. That stupid world view makes it harder for us to protect children.

On the local news today, two women have brought suit against the Catholic Church for their childhood molestation and the subsequent cover up – the priest was working at one of our local parishes that has an elementary school. 

Two triggers before breakfast on a day when I’m not feeling well physically. This does not bode well for my recovery … except that I’m aware. And these days I’m MUCH more gentle with myself. I used to view this as a sort of weakness – not holding myself accountable or something. But that’s not it. Self abuse feels right because that’s the way human beings work. Breaking those betrayal bonds is DIFFICULT. In my case, it feels comfortable to berate myself for spending money on something stupid like nail stuff but I’m trying to stay grounded in reality: I can afford this. It’s okay to splurge on stupid nail stuff. My therapist would be PROUD of me for recognizing that I’m vulnerable AND for taking steps to care for myself. He would laugh with joy that I was doing my nails!

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About

Wife. Mother. Atheist. Aspergers. Sex Addict in Recovery.

Posted in sex addiction
3 comments on “About me
  1. GP, I am, too, grateful that you are still here, to prove that it can be done. It can be done that you learn and apply, and apply consistently, coping mechanisms, and instead of getting lost in the dark underworld of sexual acting out you go and… get your nails done. I am genuinely happy for you – partially for your own healing, but also, admittedly selfishly, for seeing a small light of hope for my own husband who I know suffers greatly from some undisclosed, undiscovered damage from his childhood.

    GP, also, I wanted to say this. I am so sorry that you had to experience sexual abuse in your childhood. I have never been close to this before, I was one of those with the ostrich policy of pushing my head deep in the ground and then it doesn’t exist. It can’t happen in my family, right?! How stupid is that. Thank you for talking about this, the impacts it had on you, all the way into your adulthood, because we somehow need to talk about this to make it clear: the evil is among us. We must fight it, we must at least talk about it! Transparency and education is in my view the first tool we have in our hands.

  2. CrazyKat1963 says:

    My husband writes only intermittently on his SA blog. He started it as a place of accountability for some of the assignments his therapist had given him. He is spread pretty thin with work, family, 12 step/fellowship, recovery, buddhist meditation, so the blog does usually come last unless he has a therapy assignment. He has also learned through recovery to replace shameful behaviors with healthy ones.I admit I have not read your blog yet, and I intend to very soon, but I personally think the good thing about the label of sex addiction is that it connects people with a recovery path that can work. It also connects like people together, other people who also use sexual behaviors to sooth the wounds and cope with life. This was mind blowing to my husband, that he wasn’t the only one doing that. So, it’s not so much about the label, but about help on that pathway out of darkness.

    I bet your nails are gorgeous! ❤

  3. Leighkay54 says:

    I say, to hell with what anyone else thinks, having nice nails beats compulsive sexual behavior every time! Go you!

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