edit
If you are a therapist reading this, please don’t be sexual with your client. It doesn’t matter what the situation is, being sexual with a client is harmful to that client. It’s not good for you either. You’re going to lose your job and your license. You’re also going to lose your self identity as a person who helps others. There are programs that are specifically tailored to helping professionals who are struggling with acting on sexual feelings.
If you are a patient, please tell someone that you are being sexual with your therapist. I was in treatment with someone who was sexual with clients, and he was not a bad person. He was grateful when he finally got caught because that was what forced him to seek treatment.
/edit
editJust to be clear, sex includes sexual touching or fondling, sharing of the therapist’s sexual fantasies or fetishes, and mutual masturbation (this list is not exhaustive – humans have LOTS of ways to be sexual with each other). It doesn’t matter if the sexual connection is skin to skin, over the phone, email, chat, on in sessions. It doesn’t matter if there is no orgasm. If you are telling yourself, “yeah, but we didn’t _________; then you’re probably rationalizing.
/edit 11-24-2013
I had sex with my therapist (phone sex) and it was one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. Being molested by my grandfather did not do as much damage as being “molested” by my therapist did.
Blogging here on wordpress, I get to see the search terms people use to find my blog. I don’t often look at the stats, but sometimes I do. It makes me feel good to know that I might be helping someone who is in pain.
Yesterday it happened again that someone found me by googling “slept with my therapist.”
When I was in the midst of losing my mind in therapy, I’d come home from those long, eroticized sessions and hit the Internet. Google has always been my friend, but despite spending literally hours in front of the computer I couldn’t find the site that told me it was going to be a good thing to be sexual with my therapist.
I found a bunch of stuff about transference. I learned about boundary violations. And I found a lot of women who’d been abused by their therapists. Of course, I didn’t think any of that applied to me. Well, the transference did, but that was all.
What I was looking for was permission to have sex with my therapist. I was looking for someone to tell me that this was the right thing to do, that it could be therapeutic. I hope that the people googling about sex and therapists are in therapy with good therapists and they’re just freaking out about sexual feelings they’re having for their therapist (indicating transference).
But just in case anyone is looking for assurance that it’s okay to flirt, fantasize, pet, or have any kind of sexual contact let me assure you that it will be a disaster. If you’re the patient, you will end up getting hurt. If you are the therapist you are harming your client.
It’s not as obvious as going to a doctor and being given poison instead of medicine but in the end it’s the same thing. You’ll get a lot sicker [than you already are] and you might die [from suicide].
Links
http://askdrrobert.dr-robert.com/failedtherapy.html
http://homepage.mac.com/tgrugle/cyber/library/rati.tag.html
http://expertpages.com/news/williams.htm
http://therapyabuse.org/papersColumbiaJan.htm “Sexual exploitation by a trusted therapist is a life-changing experience. Like rape and incest, it does not go away. It forms who we are.”
And that’s true. It doesn’t go away. It hasn’t gone away for me. But like incest, it didn’t kill me. I’m stronger and wiser today than I was before. But there are many, many paths to strength and wisdom and if I had it to do over again, I’d have avoided this therapist like the plague.
There are good therapists out there. One of them helped me put my life back together after I got out of treatment. Another seems to be Willard Gaylin, who wrote What Psychotherapy is Really About. [Yet another is helping me in 2013].
And of all the good therapists out there, very few of them are members of the clergy.
Trudging the Gentle Path of Happy Destiny 
Hello there, I adore your blog. Is there some thing I can do to obtain updates like a subscription or some thing? I am sorry I am not acquainted with RSS?
I am a therapist and I love having sex with all of my clients!!
You are a troll.
I am not surprised. But this is not a good thing. My brother would beat you to a pulp for this.
I did it. I did this and now I’m just confused. He definitely let it be known that it would purely be physical but I’d hoped that I’d at least end up feeling special or cared for more in some way. Nothing. Just needed to vent. I’m supposed to see him next week and a part of me wants to go. It was transference. Father abandonment issues, neglect as an infant/early child, molestation in early childhood, lack of intimacy with my mom. I’m a borderline, though so.. I don’t intend on talking to another professional about it. What sucks the most is that I really liked him as a therapist.
Had this happen…don’t you. He just wants to get his rocks off, and you will be a victim. It’s been over 20 years and I still have nightmares. I thought I loved him so I never reported him. It makes me sick to think that he could do this to someone else. He’s now a good friend of the Saudi royal family, so I don’t think I can ever get justice.
First article read that really explained what I needed to hear. I have read many articles as I have been reading for more than a year. I’m lucky that close to nothing happened. I’m very unlucky that the weird in the room and unusual talk upset me. He knew well that I was shy and naïve and really didn’t worry about hurtng me. Therapist later listened and dismissed it.
After all, I went to him to him for a short time how bad could it be? — A person can get hurt only if they know the therapist a year or close to it. Why call yourself a therapist if you set up in your mind how it must be?? I wasted time and money. Will probably not go back to therapy. They were all control freaks in the end. Since I’m quiet it was easy for each of them to take my power and it looks like I let them. I may have been used more than once.
This whole situation is so difficult, it feels like I’m fighting an internal tug of war battle. MaryOutWest – you have made very valid points. I love my wife very much & the idea of being drawn to another woman scares me & excites me at the same time. Having somebody like yourself & Nancy with an unbiased view is so important to helping me do the right thing & uphold my marital vows. I had my appointment with my therapist this past Friday & I think she definitely picked up on my transference during that appointment. As soon as I sat down & started talking, I could feel my face getting beet red. She never questioned it, but she had to have noticed. Several times again during our session we stopped & starred into each other’s eyes. At one point, mid sentence, she stopped talking & said “what just happened here?” “Where did you just go?” “What is going through your mind right now?” I couldn’t bring myself to tell her. Maybe if I explain my feelings, she can help me through them?
JP– I had the SAME exact experience with my therapist. She likes to stare and smile, but I know someone who went to her, and she does that with everyone.
I honestly think your therapist is trying to get you to mention the transference (your feelings for her) by asking you those questions.
I disclosed my feelings for my therapist (see comment above…which was posted under YOUR initial comment even though I left it for someone above you…).
As SOON as I told my therapist she explained that therapists are trained to notice things like transference. And she explained transference and counter transference (when a therapist transfers onto a patient).
It’s best for you to talk to your therapist and if she’s receptive, she can help you explore THROUGH TALKING what these feelings are all about. Most likely they’re about unfulfilled needs from our childhood, masking some pain.
If your therapist is ethical and professional, she will help you with the transference.
You can also ask her to stop the long stares. Tell her why they make you uncomfortable.
This could help you gain insight into why your transference occurred.
By the way, transference happens all the time.
It’s nothing to be ashamed of (feelings of shame will go away when you open up to your therapist).
IF you open up to your therapist and you feel she IS flirting and it gets worse, leave and don’t go back (she has counter transference and needs to talk to her supervisor…).
JSB – Thank you for your insightful input. I have shared my feelings with my therapist. It’s going to be a long journey toward moving through this, my feelings for her are very intense & I feel like I’m falling in love with her. She’s willing to help me through this & is very understanding & open to discussing my feelings at any time, but I think there are some things that I need to discuss with her that are going to be embarrassing to bring up – I wish she would ask me more direct & candid questions to help move the process on, instead of asking how I’m feeling about the transference in a general sense. It would be easier to answer those questions than to begin the process of discussing them on my own. I think that would open the gate for more productive conversation in dealing with my feelings.
JSB – I’m curious & I hope you don’t mind my asking this……what state do you live in?
Bach?
It’s been 3 months & 7 days since my last therapy session. While my therapist did agree to help me through my “transference” feelings, her body language & evasiveness to bring up & discuss the issue so I could get better, got in the way of a successful end to my therapy. She was a great therapist in helping me with the issues I came to her with, but in the end she left me down because of what I felt was her inability or discomfort to help me through one last struggle I was facing. In our sessions, “transference” was always discussed in a general sense, but I felt she was not comfortable or ready to dig too deep into my feelings. When I admitted my feelings, I expected her to ask me certain questions like: what are your feelings towards me? when in the course of our therapy did you notice these feelings start? are your feelings sexual? what makes you feel attracted to me? have those feelings had an impact on your marriage?
I decided, after feeling like therapy was going in circles (because she didn’t seem comfortable in dealing with this head on & openly) I lied & told her that I was ready to be discharged from therapy, that my treatment was complete. I couldn’t take the pain anymore, seeing her was pure torture because I wasn’t experiencing “transference”, but I was in love with her. I am in love with her. I remember during one of our sessions she said that she didn’t mean to toot her own horn, but she had been a therapist for over 25 years & she was good at it. There is no way possible, with all her experience (which included working for the “prestigious” Beck Institute for Cognitive Behavior) that she could truly believe I was ready to be successfully discharged from therapy. There is no way possible that she couldn’t see the pain in my eyes as I said goodbye, that she could possibly believe that I completely resolved the feelings of “transference”. There was still unfinished work to be done & she knew it, yet she left me walk out the door. I’m sure there’s an oath that therapists take, the same as a physician takes, that promises to “do no harm” to your patients. She broke that oath when she left me walk out the door.
“Crushed” – does not even begin to scratch the surface of how I feel. My guts have been torn out & I’m a hollow carcass. Everyday I carry the pain of my very intense feelings for her. She’s the first thing I think about when I wake in the morning & the last thing I think about when I close my eyes to go to sleep. I’m a prisoner to my feelings for her; everyday feels like a nightmare. I’m absorbed, consumed. And to top it all off, we both work in the same hospital, so things remain complicated as I bump into her in the halls. It’s hard to function on a daily basis, I feel “emotionally crippled”…..numb. If it’s possible to die of a broken heart, it’s going to happen to me. I guess I would have been better off tolerating the problem that brought me to therapy than to deal the problem that took it’s place. Damn!
I wonder what help she might offer if she read this comment? Perhaps working with another therapist might help? Maybe a male?
It sounds as though you are “stuck” on her and need some help getting back to reality, which is that you will never have a love/sexual relationship with this therapist.
I don’t in any way think that this is something that’s your fault (or her fault) and I sincerely hope that you are able to find relief from your pain.
GP
JP – I agree wholeheartedly with MaryOutWest – Please seek out a new therapist.
How strong are you feeling, JP? If you explain your feelings to your therapist and she responds ethically by explaining transference to you, then you have a chance of moving forward and putting this behind you. However, if she has poor boundaries and responds by coming on to you…are you strong enough to walk away? That path can only lead to a lot of pain for both of you and your wife. If you cannot say that you are strong enough to resist that temptation, it would be much safer to get a new, male therapist and explain your feelings to him.
I’m afraid that I would not be strong enough to walk away, but that is no longer a concern for me because I’ve learned & faced a great deal of reality regarding my therapist since my last post. I’ve learned that she recently married her husband 3 years ago & has adult children from a previous marriage. I found out the information via the internet & found many pictures of a happy couple & family. My heart is very heavy & sad, but I know it’s for the best. I now know that I can openly discuss my transference with her because I know there is no chance that anything will happen. Reason I know this is, is because she is obviously a straight female. I never included in my earlier posts that I’m a female. I guess I have clearly read way more into the things she said than what was there. My next appointment with her is July13 & I plan on discussing my feelings with her then. I’m very nervous about it & not sure how to bring it up, but know I need to.
I started going to a Psychologist at the end of April to deal with depression & anxiety that I’m dealing with as a result of a bad work environment I’m in. I took my wife with me to my first session & it went very well. I was extremely impressed with the knowledge of the therapist & advice that I was given. During that session, the therapist asked if I could come back to my next session alone, which I agreed. On my next appointment, when I walked into the room, I noticed that the chairs were pulled from the wall & positioned much closer to her chair. I didn’t think much of it, but noticed it immediately because I have difficulty dealing with change due to my OCD. Our 2nd session went equally successful & I left there on a high, feeling great about the progress we were making & felt great about myself & the potential I had in confronting some bad issues with my employer. On our 3rd session, I noticed that every time she smiled her eyes lit up & she was beautiful. At one point during that session our eyes locked & we quietly starred at each other…it was a deep long stare. I looked away toward the wall behind her, but my eye scanned the full length of her leg as I was shifting my eyes. I wasn’t trying, it just happened. Later in the session she told me that she enjoyed our sessions & looked forward to them. I felt very flattered. She quickly spun her chair toward her computer & asked when I would like to come back again; asking in an excited voice “in 2 weeks or NEXT week?” I immediately felt a rush go through my body & said 2 weeks. Since I’ve left that session, I cannot stop thinking about her. I’m very sexually attracted to her & can’t get her off my mind. I find myself fantasizing about her all day, to the point of not being able to focus on my daily life. For the 1st time in a long time I’m smiling everyday; I haven’t felt this great in forever. I’m counting down the days until our next session & just cannot wait till I see her again. I wonder if she feels the same or if I’m overanalyzing or reading too much into her behavior. I have read about transference & the issues it can cause with the success of therapy, but these feelings are so intense & real. I know what your thinking, that I’m in a vulnerable state & it would be wrong. Am I reading too much into this or is she sending me some counter transference vibes?
JP, you may be reading more into this than is actually there. It is difficult to tell, based on just what you wrote. The real question here is why is your attention and emotions so easily captured by another woman? You seem very vulnerable. The answer to your problems is not an affair, and certainly not with your therapist. If this therapist is interested in you romantically she is acting unethically, and possibly illegally, based on the state she practices in. Your wife saw her too, so she is also this woman’s patient. She is completely betraying your wife’s trust, and she is taking advantage of you. It is NEVER okay for a therapist to become sexually involved with a patient. There are NO circumstances that make it okay. I strongly suggest you find a new, male therapist immediately, tell them what happened with this female therapist and move forward with actual therapy.
Transference is NOT junk science. Perhaps Freud’s take on the Oedipal aspect is arcane, but transference itself is quite real and can be a catalyst for real growth in therapy if guided by an ethical therapist.
No doubt my therapist is attractive, but that’s obvious to anyone who has can see.
I didn’t have feelings for her until I disclosed information about my childhood sexual abuse trauma. The flashbacks from that revelation caused the transference.
I’ve spent almost 30 years studying meditation, contemplation, and metacognition, so I didn’t just take these feelings at face value. I researched transference…long story short, I had a major breakthrough. I realized I was falling back on my habit of getting infatuated with someone in order to mask the pain from the childhood abuse. I didn’t want to keep that habit going, so I forced myself to talk to my therapist about my feelings.
She’s my therapist. I pay her. She is one of the most kind people I’ve met, but again, I pay her! She’s on her best behaviour, as are all good therapists, during our sessions. Is get job to emphasize, be non judgemental, and accept me unconditionally.
If you think you’re getting the therapist’s “real” personality, well, you’re getting an idealized version. You’re not getting the version who stresses about life like everyone else, has to pay bills, clean the house, argue with siblings/parents/boyfriends, etc etc.
Therapy is a one way street for a reason.
You’re paying someone to listen to you talk, so they can pick up on cues and help you grow as a person, help you learn what you went there to learn, get over what phobias you had, etc.
It’s about YOU. It’s not about the therapist.
(And if it is, run…find a new therapist!)
Transference happens everywhere south everyone we meet: someone reminds us our cranky grandfather who used to yell at us, so we treat them with contempt like we treated our grandfather–that’s transference.
And therapy is a lopsided relationship.
It’s idealized for the benefit of the client.
There will ALWAYS be a power struggle.
Always.
Don’t do it.
I slept with my therapist (2 years after the therapy had ended), and that was the best thing I ever did. Therapy had not fully resolved my issues. I was afraid of men, afraid of sex, afraid of relationships. I thought I will never have the courage to have a normal life of a woman. Now I am healed and cured, ready to start a completely new life and meet my someone special.
Life is not a guide book and set of rigid rules. What kills some, cures others. I am happy.
Hi don’t know if anyone still answers these but I stumbled upon this. I am seeing a therapist, at first because I was in a bad relationship with an emotionally abusive man. During that time, we always hugged and that was fine with me. then my therapist started trying to kiss my lips atwhich I was uncomfortable. He was persistent and finally I kissed him too. We talked about it. I decided it was a mistake and asked him to never touch my lips again. Only hugs. Well the hugs got more and more. Then I don’t even want to say this but my son passed away. I went to see my counselor. I was very hurt, vulnerable. Needless to say the last time I was there, we were kissing, rubbing, his hands under my shirt and on my genitals. I do believe if I go back we will have sex. I feel weak and vulnerable and the closeness felt good. Somebody help me. diffiucult time for me right now.
Hopefully you are no longer seeing this therapist.
This therapist is abusing you, and possibly breaking the law, depending on the state you live in. Please see this for what it is…a trusted therapist taking advantage of you, his patient, in an extremely vulnerable state. Call your State Licensing Board and report him as soon as possible. Chances are that this is not the first time he has done something like this, and it won’t be the last if someone does not stop him.
Get a new therapist. A female one. Please do not see this current therapist again. No contact at all. He is a predatory therapist. If you do not know what that means, look it up.
I am trusting to hear back from you that you took some steps to protect yourself.
Karen – PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE – DO NOT GO BACK TO THAT THERAPIST!!!! Find a woman therapist to help you in dealing with your problems. AND report this person to your state board!!! I’m sure this therapist does this with other patients. He’s probably told you how special you are and how much you have in common…..he is sick!!!! I’ve been down this road – and it only leads to hurt, confusion and guilt. Please don’t go back!!!!!
I hope you got through this , I thought no one would ever love me,…it started with hugs until he molested me, and moved to another counntry without helping me get help. 20 years later I am married to a wonderful man who understands my nightmares if I see a man who even looks like him. Blessings to you.
Update: I just finished 5 months of intensive therapy with a woman therapist who knows my abuser (my psychologist). She said it didn’t surprise her and there were lots of rumors going around about his involvement with patients. I really had the chance to look at my childhood history and relationship issues throughout my life. While we focused on that part of my life I was able to get a handle on my dependence on my abuser. I’m not ‘cured’ and some days are more difficult then others, but I am moving forward. I feel hopeful about the future – something I haven’t felt in a long time. I plan on going back to therapy, but not the intensive type I have just completed. I know I have a long way to go.
I will say this again and again and again: PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DON’T SLEEP WITH YOUR THERAPIST – THERE IS NEVER A GOOD OUTCOME AND YOU WILL BE HURT BY THIS.
🙂
I am so happy for you. It takes a lot of courage to do what you’ve done.
GP
Thanks GP – this is the most difficult work I have done in my life! It’s difficult, because falling back into the familiar rut is so easy. I try to stay focused everyday. I’ve been doing lots of reading and writing – very therapeutic. I know I will be fine – This has been going on a LONG time, it can’t be fixed in 5 or 6 months. I will continue to work on it and continue my therapy. Like I said, I really am hopeful. N.
Boundary violations can be so many things. Words that shouldn’t be used. Words that are Ok but have been twisted. Not so much double entendre as just works and sex shoved in sentences. If really think he was some kind of sex addict thinking about sex so much in every therapy session. I didn’t come into sessions to discuss my sex life. He was just weird
in his thinking patterns. I was naïve and went back cuase it was different than anything I experienced before. I hadn’t realized I was lucky to have met normal men before. The sad part was I came out if it so much worse and still not the person I was before. I felt used.
I realized months later there was no therapy after the first few sessions. Just the man in the chair speaking about whateved he wanted to. And some many conincidences of things that
looked like a therapist playing more head games then I ever encountered in my life.
Heya. I just want to make a post, even though the thread is a bit old. This issue is relevant to me and I’ve been doing research about the topic. I’ve been working with a very attractive young therapist for a couple years now. I’ve always been attracted to her, ever since we met. If we had met in school, or at work, no one would say a word about having a relationship with her. We have great chemistry; we flirt, but only barely. We joke (never inappropriately), and the laughter and connection is genuine. I’m certain she’s attracted to me also. I can just tell, although the closest thing I’ve ever heard to an admission, was that when talking about boundaries, she said people are made to feel shameful about (I’m just putting in the end, as I can’t remember the whole exchange).’….thoughts we aren’t supposed to have.’ There are other little things I pick up on. I fantasize about her frequently, and wonder if she’s done the same. It’s arousing to think about it, no lie. I’ve never acted on my desire. I’ve gotten to know her personality; not her personal life, but who she is. And she’s exactly the kind of woman I’d fall for in any other circumstance. I doubt she’s so disingenuous as to fake her personality. Maybe some therapists do that, but so do other people. I’ve found that the number of female therapists who are sexually attracted to and/or fantasize about their male clients is as high as 78%. Odds are, she likes me too.
So I just want to make a few points about what I’ve found in my research. The first is that the concept of transference is junk science. Just like everything else Freud ever came up with. It’s shameful that it’s still used as the only accepted theory dealing with the complex issue of client/therapist emotional involvement. Do we still screw cages onto people’s heads? It’s still in use only because it serves as a blanket for therapists to tell themselves that the feelings aren’t real, and therefore don’t have to feel shame for their or their clients desires and fantasies. Really? I just want mommy? lol. Yea, ok whatever. She’s nothing like my mother. She’s like the girls I wanted to date in high school though. Who were nothing like my mother either. lol. Being told that is infinitely more offensive than talking about the real reason I have desires and fantasies her, and how to actually handle it.I don’t think the transference theory is helpful, in reality.
That having been said. There really needs to be a more open and honest dialogue between the patient and caregiver communities. There needs to be some real, modern research into this aspect of the client/therapist relationship. Instead of penis envy, or whatever garbage Freud used for his theory. There needs to be an acknowledgment that the feelings are real: we’re all humans, and we have basic needs and desires. I’m not advocating acting on desires. Therapists are in a position of trust, which has the potential for abuse; just like any other relationship; and no one should take advantage of someone in that position; regardless of the relationship. Why can’t there just be an admission by therapists that, at times, it’s as simple as “I’m often attracted to my clients, because I’m a person”, and then finding ways to educate clients, and themselves, about how to deal with that; just like how to navigate any other romantic relationship. I read an interesting article about how sexual repression in our society makes it difficult to raise the issue with therapists without making it awkward or shameful. That needs to change.What some professionals believe is that all these feelings are harmful. I disagree.
I was painfully awkward, terrified of attractive women, for my entire life. It’s nice to know that a fun, sexy woman treats me like I’m somebody. (Don’t tell me I’m just seeing what I want to perceive; I can tell which therapists are shitty people) This gives me more confidence with my problem than any psychoanalysis ever did. My relationship to her is part of why I’ve healed. I just wish I could actually bring the subject up with her so it’s cleared out, and we can go on like normal people. But I suppose I can just grin when we’re done, because she’ll never know what actually did the most good.
PS For any of you who were taken advantage of by a douchebag, i hope you find some healing.
Forgive the rant; the issue needs a lot of exposure and analysis, and all the falsehoods about it irritate me to no end.
Transference is NOT junk science. Perhaps Freud’s take on the Oedipal aspect is arcane, but transference itself is quite real and can be a catalyst for real growth in therapy if guided by an ethical therapist.
No doubt my therapist is attractive, but that’s obvious to anyone who has can see.
I didn’t have feelings for her until I disclosed information about my childhood sexual abuse trauma. The flashbacks from that revelation caused the transference.
I’ve spent almost 30 years studying meditation, contemplation, and metacognition, so I didn’t just take these feelings at face value. I researched transference…long story short, I had a major breakthrough. I realized I was falling back on my habit of getting infatuated with someone in order to mask the pain from the childhood abuse. I didn’t want to keep that habit going, so I forced myself to talk to my therapist about my feelings.
She’s my therapist. I pay her. She is one of the most kind people I’ve met, but again, I pay her! She’s on her best behaviour, as are all good therapists, during our sessions. Is get job to emphasize, be non judgemental, and accept me unconditionally.
If you think you’re getting the therapist’s “real” personality, well, you’re getting an idealized version. You’re not getting the version who stresses about life like everyone else, has to pay bills, clean the house, argue with siblings/parents/boyfriends, etc etc.
Therapy is a one way street for a reason.
You’re paying someone to listen to you talk, so they can pick up on cues and help you grow as a person, help you learn what you went there to learn, get over what phobias you had, etc.
It’s about YOU. It’s not about the therapist.
(And if it is, run…find a new therapist!)
Transference happens everywhere south everyone we meet: someone reminds us our cranky grandfather who used to yell at us, so we treat them with contempt like we treated our grandfather–that’s transference.
And therapy is a lopsided relationship.
It’s idealized for the benefit of the client.
There will ALWAYS be a power struggle.
Always.
Don’t do it.
I’m Nancy from from January 12, 2013. I continued the relationship with my therapist until this past Tuesday. The detail of the ending aren’t worth mentioning, but one thing I know for sure is that he is a sexual narcissist and a misogynist. . I finally decided to end it and just this morning (really yesterday morning since it’s after midnight) I went to my family doctor because of the anxiety I had. I’ve know her for a long time, but never told her about him because she knows him. SHE WAS FURIOUS! She wanted to report him to the state board right then and there, but after talking with me she realized I didn’t have the strength to deal with that along with healing, She said she always thought he might be screwing with patients. I told her I had the names and numbers of at least two other women with whom he had been having sexual contact with, She has referred me to a good, female, therapist to deal with the years of abuse. It’s funny I never thought of myself as being abused and it hurts to even say that. However, she is correct. He abused me and who knows how many other women. I can’t wait to start therapy – I so want a normal life and maybe someday, a normal relationship. Like I said in my first post – PLEASE DON’T THINK OF SLEEPING WITH YOU THERAPIST. IT WILL ONLY HURT YOU AND THAT PERSON IS NOT A GOOD THERAPIST IF THEY LET IT HAPPEN. THEY HAVE THE POWER, THEY KNOW YOUR TRIGGER POINTS. PLEASE LEARN FROM MY LESSON – DON’T SLEEP WITH YOUR THERAPIST!
I hope you allow your doctor to report him. The next vulnerable patient that comes along has an absolute right to expect a caring therapist, not a predator when she goes for help.
I am so sorry this happened to you, Nancy. But I am glad that you are taking steps to save yourself.
GP
Actually, he is in the process of either losing or having his license suspended due to poor record management (not providing reports) and diagnosing a patients husband for the court with out seeing him. The board is very strict and hopefully that will end his career., I’m going to focus on myself right now and then, decide what to do. He is a scoundrel, I just hope patients realize how unhealthy it is to get involved with their psychologist. Thanks for the kind thoughts and words. N.
Good. I agree that focusing on yourself is the right thing to do. Let your doctor take care of any reporting. Her letter should make it easy for the board to decide.
Sadly, most patients do not have the ability to see the harm that sexual involvement with a therapist does to them until after they’ve been damaged. That’s why it’s incumbent on the therapist to maintain proper boundaries.
GP
A quick update: My first appointment with my new (female) therapist was yesterday – I really feel I’m on my way. I’m finally taking charge of my life and doing what I need to do to get well. I’ll keep you posted. N.
Our female couples counselor instigated an affair with my boyfriend while he was in a solo session for her. He was there to get help for low self esteem and his sexual addiction. They had an affair for a month. I came home early last week to find them in bed together in our home. What she did was an enormous betrayal of trust. He is now much worse off, feeling suicidal, and we are separating temporarily as my health has suffered tremendously through the stress of this situation. The state of AZ is investigating this case, and I am suing her for malpractice. Of course she has a sexual addiction. And clearly this woman is a sexual predator. I am certain that my boyfriend is not her first victim. I have worked in the field of mental health for 20 years. My education and experience does not offset the trauma of what this therapist has done. I am not sure my boyfriend will ever trust a counselor again; and I simply don’t know how I will find trust again…period.
I am so sorry this happened to you and your boyfriend.
GP
Thank you, GP. We are both getting help. I have recognized that I am addicted to him, and that is not healthy either. What a mess. I so appreciate your kind words.
I’m a 22 year old male and I was in therapyone month short of a year. She is 25 so the closeness in age was also a huge part. I don’t agree with the term ‘transference’ in my case. I just see it as an attraction between two people close in age. I told her about this around October and continued seeing her. She said she would never bring it up again, but just before I ended, she did. I brought my sister into therapy with me as well as a close friend and they said they sensed how she could possibly feel the same way, but refused to step over boundaries. I respect that a lot, because I am gonna be studying to become a marriage/family therapist in the future. I am unaware to tell if someone flirts with me, but it seemed that maybe she did at some points. I am nowhere near in the state of mind that I was in even months ago. I am in a better state of mind but still wish there was a chance I could be with her. I know ethically it is still wrong to even wait two years.
I wanted you to know that my Doctor was finally dealt with. Her licence has been on Active Suspension since Dec. 6th 2013. She was fined $2000.00 plus costs of $945.00 and must complete 30 hours of education on boundary issues and ethics.
To blogger, i skipped the whole comment section. Didnt read it. I am sorry i restart an old post. I am 23yo man with BPD. The usual stuff with suicidal and other mix. Prescribed medication has keeping me well in line. Happy to say i am doing alright with daily life and work. Been seeing my psychiatrist for almost 2 year. I do agree on the negative outweigh the benefit of transference. At some point i realised i was emotionally compromised. I tried to distance myself. I informed my psychiatrist of my sexual fantasy towards her. It was like i am totally obsessed with her, even though she is married. We learn to work it out. I cannot deny that the emotion was real. She was really helpful. I cannot say lucky because that was her job. Had i fallen for her, i would feel terrible. She would lose her job. What she faced is much more terrible than i do. But we were beyond that now. Its normal when you were meeting someone on a weekly basis. Feelings tend to appear more real than they really are. Hope this help. Just so you know.
She is still practicing.
Un-fucking-believable.
I can not tell you how painful it is to hear from people to get over it or you had your fun. This women had me believe she was in love with me. People just don’t understand what happens in that intimate place when you really bare your soul and then find out years later you were just a toy to satisfy someone else’s sexual needs. Fucked up is an understatement. I am still trying to find my way.
What are you doing to find your way?
I am seeing another psychologist who specializes in this type of abuse. This doctor is helping get through. My wife has been an incredible strength and support through this mess. And I have a few close friends who support me as well.
Sex with your psychologist/therapist is absolutely the most devastating action to your mental health. My psychologist groomed me from the first visit. My sessions were always the last session of the evening. I was told we can talk about anything and that I love you. My psychologist suggested I was sexually abused as a child. I had no memory of such things. The doctor began to take me back into my childhood via hypnosis. Through her suggestion I believed my mother engaged in sexual acts with me. I didn’t speak with my parents for 8yrs.
The doctor then began asking me to sit on the couch with her so she could hold me. I refused at first, but her persistence won out. When I sat with her, I would let her know I was feeling aroused and she would reply…just go with how you feel. I am a married man with two teenage children. The psychologist is married with three children. Did I mention that she works out of her home. I started to fondle her breasts, then touching her vagina and she stopped me. The next session went the same way holding and fondling and then she told me to stand up, and once I did she took down my pants and performed oral sex. From that moment (2003), I was in a intimate relationship with this doctor. Our so called therapeutic relationship lasted until 2006. In 2006 the doctor’s husband committed suicide. My relationship with the doctor ended in December 2011.
I have been hospitalized twice for suicide attempts. The most recent was December 2011. I am lucky to be alive. I reported my story to the Pennsylvania State Board of Psychology in March of 2012. I am still waiting to hear the finial disposition. The doctor has been seeing clients during this time.
What has happened to me has happened to many others. The only way to make a change is to report the abusers. My Life was shattered and destroyed when I meet this doctor.
sorry ‘good’ therapist- sometime they can be like god- but as we see, much more fallible as simplyt human– kay
I’m a psychology student and my psychologist is also one of my lectures. I thought I was going through transference but knowing the signs, the causes and that those feelings and issues were already resolved I knew it wasn’t transference. I really have sexual feelings towards him, not love, infatuation or see him as a fatherly figure. Just plain rrrrrrr sex!! :p he doesn’t know and I won’t ever tell him and won’t ever act on these urges cuz I’m not a home wrecker but it can sometimes become a bit of an obsession and THAT I know is unhealthy…not really sure what to do, advice?
Therapist-Client Sex in the Regressive Therapies by Keith Borden
primal-page.com/sexclie.html brill article, worth reading…please remeber a god therapist gets you to talk it out–nnot act it out– that’s the critical difference between therapy and abuse. Go well kx
Why is often women who sleep with their male therapist that look atbit as a bad experience and abuse, whilw guys who sleep with their female therapist find it just okay or good, or a normal relationship?
Because unfortunately we have a double standard.
I would argue that it’s worse for men who are abused by their therapists because of the presupposition that it’s not that big a deal.
It’s a big deal and a huge betrayal of trust.
I am 40 male, recently had a counseling with same aged lady. very nice, she is gorgeous, wish I could f*ck with her. Upon reveling my sexual fantasy abt girls sexuality, she said “it is normal. Girls too like it”…I am not sure, whether it would be mutually good for us, but the sexual instinct is great. I think, if we keep distance, we could be good friends. Maybe my mind is playing tricks.
DON’T SLEEP WITH YOUR THERAPIST!!!!!! My sexual relationship with my therapist started 16 years ago. It’s a long story, but he has bounced in and out of my life throughout all these years. I was only in therapy with him for about 9 months. We waited for a year or so after therapy to begin our sexual relationship. This has affected my life in a very non-productive way. These therapists KNOW how to manipulate you into thinking that you are special, that you’re the one, that they need you – what ever your issues are, they use them to bring you back into THEIR madness. I can’t seem to tell him to leave me alone and we have had an intense relationship for the past year and a-half. I know he has slept with other patients and he still communicates with them. HE IS THE ONE WITH MAJOR PROBLEMS!!!!!!!!!!!! I know that I will be hurt in the end and I’ve tried to move on with my life, but I feel stuck. I don’t want to see another therapist – I am worried this will happen again. PLEASE DON’T SLEEP WITH YOUR THERAPIST!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for sharing, your advice is right on the money.
Please let your state licensing board about this therapist. You don’t have to prosecute or anything; just let them know there’s a problem. Hopefully this way someone less resilient might end up NOT with this therapist.
GP
Anybody here from Nashville? I’m curious to know if my therapist did this to any other of his clients!!
I’m from Nashville…who was it?
i really need help. Ive been hurt by my therapist and i acted crazy to save his license and him from loosing his family. The state failed me and closed the case on him and im left hurt and i have nobody and i hate myself. Ive been through allot all my life and i need help but it took me along time to put my trust in him and you would not believe the things he put me through i have scares on me from him and so much pain in my heart because i really love him. I need help please.
Fighting against therapist abuse!
Other available links and resources:
http://www.examiner.com/article/lynette-s-law-a-crusade-against-therapist-abuse
http://www.examiner.com/article/how-sexually-abusive-therapists-avoid-jail-time
http://www.lynetteslaw4maryland.com/
I slept with my therapist last wednesday and i dont think there was anything wrong with it. im fine. she’s fine.
it went like this. i was seeking someone to talk to after a bad break up. i saw her for about a month when, in the middle of my session, she stopped me and said “I dont think I can help you. i just dumped my bf and im as fucked up and broken as you in the exact same way. i cant help you.”
she usually counsels combat vets suffering from ptsd. never really had a vet come in and want to talk about relationships. so I said “how about a drink?”
turns out we already knew the same people and hang out at the same place. just always missed each other.
such is life. im talking to someone else now who she recommended but, basically, it was something we both needed. you can argue with me that it was a bad thing all you want and im sure that in 90% of cases such as this it is a bad thing. but, not so much here.
if i wasnt committed to being single after my breakup id date her.
just wanted to share.
I tried to post earlier today but it wasn’t published for some reason. I have posted here before and let people know that they could contact me if they were violated by their therapists. I have received quite a few emails and now I would like to clarify what kind of help I can offer so I wouldn’t be contacted for the wrong reasons.
I can help only those who have realized that their therapists’ actions were harmful and want to end their relationships with those people and also want to take actions to prevent the abuse from spreading. If you are at that point, feel free to email me at moimir@gmail.com or go to my website http://www.therapyconsumerguide.com. If you are still unclear as to what you want to do, you can discuss it on psychforums or go to “A most heartbreaking love” yahoo group. Thank you.
I have been contacted by a few people through this blog in regards to their questionable relationships with their therapists, both sexual and non-sexual, and how they were harmed in those relationships. I would like to clarify that I can provide people with information about how boundary violations in therapy could be harmful, and I will support them, if they want to get out of destructive relationships with their therapists. If they intend to stay where they are, I could still give them information, if they have specific questions, but I will not support their position. I also would like to note that giving online support and information on this subject for me does not equate becoming friends. I just don’t want anyone to have unrealistic expectations of me. That being said, anyone, who is interested in this subject is welcome to join my yahoo group on boundary violation in therapy. Here is the link http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/boundary_violations_in_psychotherapy/members
I also started building a website called TherapyConsumerGuide
http://www.therapyconsumerguide.com
I just uploaded my first post there. The website will be developing and changing all the time and everyone is welcome to send their comments to my email: moimir@gmail.com . You can also post comments on the website, but they have to be strictly on topic that is posted. All comments are moderated.
I agree with the author of this blog that a deep personal involvement (not only sexual) with one’s therapist eventually becomes damaging for the patient. I know that from experience. I did not have sex with my therapist but he crossed professional boundaries with me in many other ways. It feels great in the beginning because it makes you feel special and “chosen”, but eventually you will end up having a painful realization that you were being used, not loved. I actually want to write a book about it and if anyone wants to know more about my story or to tell me theirs, feel free to contact me at moimir@gmail.com
I read every ones comments. I thought i would add my own. back when i was 21. I was seeing a female Therapist. She always was asking me about my sex life. I felt like she was getting turned on when i would tslk about it. She asked me if i masturbate. I said yes. then she asked me what i think about when i masturbate. so i told her different woman. then she asked me if i ever think about her? I was imbarest to tell her yes. but she kept asking so i said yes. she said its normal to make a long story short she asked me to masturbate in front of her. I thought it was ok cause she asked. she talked to while i did it. loking back it wasent right
I’m so sorry you were abused in this way. I hope you’ll consider contacting the authorities in your state and reporting this therapist, because it’s a certainty that she’s abusing others.
Funny how therapists get a free pass. Imagine if a doctor did this. I think there’s a double standard for the clergy. I also think we romanticize shit like this. I’m lucky I lived – if I’d been successful in my suicide attempt, this priest would still be seeing patients! Nobody would have ever known!
You go to treatment because you need help and you’re stuck. If you don’t do what the therapist suggests, you’re resistant. And often, this is true. But guess what? Having sex with your therapist is ALWAYS harmful.
Let me repeat that. Having sex with your therapist is ALWAYS harmful.
If you honestly believe that it can be good for a therapist to be sexual with a patient then you have an excellent understanding of nambla’s rationale for fucking children.
And for the record, it’s NEVER good for children to have sex. Never, never, ever.
I m still in relation with my therapist ..lol
i don t see myself as victim , i m sorry i just don t ..
and we had our first sex 8 months after we finished therapy so it can be all by standards ..CUZ OF THAT I THOUGHT I LL GO CRAZY …
BUT BUT BUT i been thinking lately , how that man ctrl my life , i m like open book to him , like i ve no ctrl , like he is in charged …
strange but as much as i wanted him and fell in love
i m starting to wonder DID I REALLY OR JE JUST TRICKED MO SO MASTRAL …HE KNEW ALL ABOUT ME , WHAT I WANT WHERE I WAS WEEK WHAT SET S ME ON AND OFF ..HMM
the trhing he said to me “you know since third time with you i knew this is not a theraoy ” AND I WASN T PAYING
SO THAT MEANS WHAT I WAS THINKING I AM AT THERAPY WHILE HE WAS SEDUCING ME.
WANTED TO JUST CUT THE WHOLE THING OFF , BUT HE IGNORES MY ATTEMPTS … TOLD HIM WHY DON T YOU JUST LET ME GO TELL ME FUCK OFF OR WHAT EVER
HE RE:” WHY WOULD I DO THAT ”
I M REQUISITIONING AS PERSON ABOVE SAID
Having sex with your therapist is ALWAYS harmful.
Let me repeat that. Having sex with your therapist is ALWAYS harmful
sorry i misspelled kinda in hurry and eng not my primary leng ;))
Come on! Having sex with your therapist is NOT like fucking children. Just stop with the nambla nonsense. Can you say hyperbole?
nambla nonsense? wtf?
Well , I must say I had diff . experience!
If you are in transference, then you shouldn’t of let yourself engaged such actions in first place . You should of been able to understand yourself and your emotions. NOT TO MENTION using and abusing that your therapist did … that s just unforgivable !!!
I had wonderful therapist , and he helped me a lot , but when we reached the point of realization that we are mutually attracted to each other, we spend 3 sessions talking about it , and we came to conclusion , that we are crossing the lines …so decision must be made … So we did .Loud and clear- we admitted to each other how we feel … we didn’t rush into anything …
So therapy is over! Something else maybe beginning …but that’s whole diff. story !!!I wasn’t in transference with him. i knew from day 1 , from first time we sow each other that i m so into him …It was the same with him …. We had to put a side , passion in order to finish therapy …
I ve never ever felt used by him . I always felt deeply connected , understood , protected by him …
As Freud says “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar ” 😉
i had sex with my rehab counselor. im a male though, needless to say when that relationship got rocky i relapsed like a bat out of hell for a few weeks. it was a mistake on both parts. she could easily loose her job and credentials over it. especially for how i was treated after the fact. but i just keep my mouth shut, plus she was a very good looking gal. lol
Why should YOU do that? It is interesting in this country girls sleep with someone because they want to do it at that moment without any force, when it is don they start to think about it that may be they shouldn’t do that and feel they are raped or abused to justify themselves. Your therapist did a wrong thing 100% but how about you? You are an adult and I think you should take the responsibility of what you have done.
You ignorant moron. People don’t go in thinking oh, wow, I hope I get laid. The sex doesn’t happen the way it does in other situations. When sex occurs in therapy it happens as a breach of trust. The therapist has taken time to build that trust and the patient has let their guard down. The “transference” she talks about is a massively powerful psychological force that actually has little to do with the therapist or real sex but to the patient it feels that way. So the patient actually believes the sexual feelings are real and genuine, but the therapist knows 100% different. To act on those is a total abuse of their training and power in the situation. This woman may have even believed she “wanted” it at the time… but it isn’t as though she did it and then changed her mind. Once it occurs the trust is broken and the damage starts like dominos. I so badly want to slap your stupid brain back into your empty head. In the therapist-client relationship the client has NO responsibility for a sexual incident. None. Zero. Zilch. Why? Because they have no understanding of what transference is all about and the therapist does. You can’t completely understand it from a few online articles. Therapists do supervised practicuums and years of training. They know full well. Transference opens up doors to the most vulnerable aspects of our psyche.
I am a student and am trying to write an essay on boundary crossing vs boundary violations. I have been looking for 3 days for anything on possible benefits of sexual relations with your therapist but have nothing!! just overwhelming evidence saying no, but on reading this i think i’ll just give up, clearly the negatives outweigh any positives
hello karin,
I had sex with my therapist and to tell you the truth it was a good experience for me. i had been married for 19 years to my high school sweetheart and it help me to realize how bad and how unhappy i felt in my marriage. i never thought i could have sexual feelings for anybody else and this helped me to realize i could have a relationship with someone else.
i’m making the story short, its not like we just had sex one day and thats it, i had a revelation, there’s more to it. thought you might be interested.
m